A Soul Darkened
by Laura Spudzmom
Chapter 09:
The flight back to Italy.....
I bet you thought I was gonna say it was long and boring, right? Well you would be wrong. It was fantastic. Why? Because Rosalie ran her mouth just one too many times and I tore the bitch up.
Literally.
In pieces.
It was a beautiful thing and I'm drying tears of fucking joy from merely looking back on the event. Wish I could've You Tube'd that shit for later viewing pleasure. I think I'll have the fucking duffel bag she's stuffed in bronzed and mounted on a plaque. So it'll have to be a damn big plaque. So what? It's not like I can't afford it. *evil cackle*
Emmett wasn't very pleased with me but tough cookies. Not my fault he married the biggest cunt on the planet. And I cut him some slack because I really, really wanted to toss a lighter into the bag.
Oh alright. I admit it. I didn't light her up because Jane and Demetri tackled me and pinned me to the floor while kindly reminding me that large flaming bags and airplanes don't mix well. Damn it. Talk about poking a pin in the old fun balloon.
So yeah, boredom wasn't a problem on the flight and when we got to the airport I got to play kick the duffel down the stair truck when we deplaned. The trick, as I found with Edwards two duffels, is to not put too much english on it so that they bounce down all the stairs. I had that shit down to a science by the time it came for Bag-O-Rose to deplane.
Remind me to never get on my bad side.
So now we're back at the castle with all of the 'guests' ensconced in our underground luxury suites, more commonly known as the dungeon. I'm in my new rooms wondering what to do with myself. We have another day before we leave yet again, this time for Texas and Jasper Whitlock.
I have to admit that I'm looking forward to this part of the mission. I just have a feeling that it's not going to be the standard apprehension. If there's one thing I remember about Jasper, it's that he's shrewd. Does he have the guts to fight the Volturi? I believe he does. Would he fight us? I'm hoping I can talk to him and let him know my feelings on the whole ordeal. I think that once I do that, he'll be more comfortable with attending our little gathering here in Italy. If he isn't, well, we have our marching orders.
What will be, will be.
I hear footsteps approaching my door and then a knock. The steps were too light to be Demetri and why would he be visiting me anyway? I feel that annoying little stab of guilt and ruthlessly shut it down.
Shaking my head at myself, I go and answer the door to Jane. I step back holding the door. "Come on in."
She walks in and takes a seat on my couch. I wander over to the Ipod dock and set it to shuffle my Led Zeppelin collection and turn it to low for background. I grab the tequila, two shot glasses and an ash tray and put it all on the coffee table. I know that this is probably going to be a brutal conversation and I'm gonna need all of the vices I can get to get through it. Too bad that nicotine does nothing for me now.
Sitting down, I turn to her and raise my eyebrows in question. She doesn't disappoint.
"You seriously need to pull your head outta your ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your fucking head repeatedly as a child?"
I lean forward and pour two shots. "So much for subtlety Jane. Jesus, why don't you tell me how you really feel? No really, don't hold back."
I down the shot and hand her one. She downs hers and gives me the you're-a-dumb-fuck look.
"I tried subtle. It obviously didn't work. Now I'm moving on to the stick of dynamite up your ass type of subtle. You're being stupid and you're gonna screw things up badly enough that they can't be repaired. You need to go to him and apologize for being an idiot. I'm not even saying that you need to move back into his quarters, just back into his life. Shutting him out and pushing him away in all but a professional capacity is just going to kill a very good thing. So he confessed deep feelings for you. What did that really change? You had already told him that you love him right?"
I poured two more shots and we downed them. "You bring the smokes?" She pulls out the pack and tosses it on the table. I shake one out and light up, inhaling deeply and blowing it out. I sit back and look at her.
"Yes, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me and then we went on as we had been doing. And we were good. The sex was fantastic. Everything was great. And then he had to get all fucking mushy and express these deeper feelings. Why Jane? Why did he have to go and do that? I'll admit it. I kinda freaked and I'm not sure why. I mean, what's the big difference between a simple 'I love you' and the 'You're everything to me' type of statements that freaked me out? Why could I handle one and not the other?"
I shook my head and she just watched me. I poured more shots and downed mine. "The only thing I can think of is that the expression of deeper feelings was going to lead to commitments and that ......" I trailed off because I didn't want to admit to any of the things that were about to come out of my mouth. I shook my head and poured another shot and knocked it back. I lit another smoke because the other one had burned away in the ash tray. Taking a deep drag, I looked at her and squared my shoulders.
"Commitments scare the fuck out of me, okay? My parents had fucked up lives after they divorced. My freaky mother couldn't choose one guy so she basically had a flavor of the week philosophy and I had to raise myself really. Until she met Phil. Who knows how long he'll last, but she married him. I was amazed.
My father has never had another relationship since my mother walked out on him when I was a baby. And the man hasn't changed a thing in the house since then either. It's like he put himself into some kind of weird stasis, just waiting for her to come back through the door. How is that healthy?
So then I decide to take a chance on this guy. The first guy who ever caught my attention because he was so different. He wasn't like your typical high school guy, or even the type that my mother seemed to attract; just after sex ya know?" I smirk at the memories.
"I actually liked that about him at first. We actually talked about things and he would listen to me. And then, it happened so subtly that I don't even remember it happening, but one day I just knew I loved him. He was so devoted and protective and interested in my life. But he always talked about how dangerous he was and how we shouldn't be together and then I got hurt by that nomad tracker and he seriously talked about us splitting.
It scared the hell out of me and that's when I started thinking about contingency plans for myself. I had to protect myself in case he did screw me over. So little by little, I began to learn to shut that part of myself off, ya know? To stuff it away so it wouldn't hurt so bad when he did finally screw me over. I knew, somewhere deep down, that he probably would and so I prepared myself. After all, wasn't that the track record of every man I had ever been exposed to in my life?
So when Jasper almost ate me for dinner at my birthday party, Edward completely shut down on me and I knew it was coming. He was going to leave me. I mean, he wouldn't commit to turning me, so leaving was the only option according to my reasoning and I was right.
So I devised my little plan and then shut everything down before he could deal the killing blow, so to speak. I mean, the one fucking time I finally decide to take a chance on a guy and he does this kind of shit. But realizing this pissed me off and made me resent him enough to allow me to shut it all down and turn to ice inside which ultimately allowed me to survive.
He asked me to go for a walk in the woods after ignoring me for a couple of days and I just knew it was coming finally. But I was so frozen inside that I pretty much felt nothing and that's how I stayed until Demetri came for me.
Even with him, at first it was that he was gorgeous and fun to talk to and then we had sex and that was great. It was easy and fun and it fit in with how my life was going. I just cruised along with it and I didn't have to think about any of it."
I looked at her and she was still watching me attentively. I poured two more shots and handed one to her as I downed mine. We both lit another smoke and I settled back again.
"But then came the day when he said those profound words that spoke about deeper emotions and all of the sudden, it wasn't easy for me any more. Now I had to think about things that I really didn't want to think about. To tell you the truth, it kind of pissed me off. I almost feel like he fucked up a good thing by making it complicated when we were fine. We were perfectly fine! The only thing that he could have done that would have been worse would be to ask me to marry him, but he may as well have with what he said."
I took a deep drag and blew it out. I looked at Jane and I felt my bottom lip quivering and I choked up. I put my face down into both of my hands and sobbed.
Jane moved toward me and took the cigarette out of my hand and crushed it out, then grabbed me into a hug.
"Jesus Bella, you are one fucked up individual."
We both started laughing while still clutching each other.
"Thanks Jane. I needed to hear that."
She nodded. "Just wait until you get my bill."
After our heart to heart Jane and I decided that going to the training room was a good idea. Yeah, don't forget that we both had had a good amount of tequila. Vampires don't tend to get as drunk on liquor, but if we drink enough......yeah, things like going to the training room start to sound like fun.
So here I am, facing off with none other than Marcus. Yes, that Marcus. The one that has a couple of thousand years of fighting experience. I should have brought the bottle. Because he proceeded to kick my ass royally. Really bad pun intended.
So I pick myself up and dust off all of the debris from the walls that have adhered to my person and decide that he got a lucky shot in.
Well alright, a few lucky shots.
But that won't be happening again because I know all of his tricks now and will avoid them.
It sounded good in my head anyway.
An hour later and I now look like I got into a fight with a freight train but it's all good because oddly enough, I feel better. Now I can add masochist to my diagnosis. Thank you Dr. Phil.
I thank Marcus humbly and Jane and I duck out the side door trying to avoid the crowd that had gathered to take pleasure from my pain. Jane has a permanent smirk on her face but she's not looking at me.
"So, are you going to talk to Demetri before we leave for this last part of the mission?"
I glance at her and then train my gaze forward again as we walk back to my rooms. I know what I'm going to say is probably going to piss her off.
"No. I'll talk to him after we get back and all of this shit is over with."
Her gaze remains steady ahead, her shoulders set.
"Way to kick the can Bella."
She then pins me with a gaze that could cut diamonds.
"I'm only going to say this once. If you let this bullshit affect the mission at all in a negative way, and something bad happens from it, I will not cover for you. You will hang by yourself. You're my friend, but the Volturi comes before all and we can't afford to be distracted by emotional drama. Not when the potential for danger is so high.
You have to have your head in the game one hundred percent on this one Bella. The Whitlock coven are not the Cullen's. They are of a superior caliber of vampire. If it comes to a fight with them, it will be hard won. One slip, one mistake at the wrong moment could mean the difference in a successful mission or a pretty purple smoke cloud for us."
I look down the hall and straighten my spine. "I understand. I'll be in it one hundred percent. I refuse to be the weak link."
I look at her and she's watching me. She gives me one sharp nod. "I'll see you when we depart." She turns down her hallway and disappears behind her door.
The flight back to Italy.....
I bet you thought I was gonna say it was long and boring, right? Well you would be wrong. It was fantastic. Why? Because Rosalie ran her mouth just one too many times and I tore the bitch up.
Literally.
In pieces.
It was a beautiful thing and I'm drying tears of fucking joy from merely looking back on the event. Wish I could've You Tube'd that shit for later viewing pleasure. I think I'll have the fucking duffel bag she's stuffed in bronzed and mounted on a plaque. So it'll have to be a damn big plaque. So what? It's not like I can't afford it. *evil cackle*
Emmett wasn't very pleased with me but tough cookies. Not my fault he married the biggest cunt on the planet. And I cut him some slack because I really, really wanted to toss a lighter into the bag.
Oh alright. I admit it. I didn't light her up because Jane and Demetri tackled me and pinned me to the floor while kindly reminding me that large flaming bags and airplanes don't mix well. Damn it. Talk about poking a pin in the old fun balloon.
So yeah, boredom wasn't a problem on the flight and when we got to the airport I got to play kick the duffel down the stair truck when we deplaned. The trick, as I found with Edwards two duffels, is to not put too much english on it so that they bounce down all the stairs. I had that shit down to a science by the time it came for Bag-O-Rose to deplane.
Remind me to never get on my bad side.
So now we're back at the castle with all of the 'guests' ensconced in our underground luxury suites, more commonly known as the dungeon. I'm in my new rooms wondering what to do with myself. We have another day before we leave yet again, this time for Texas and Jasper Whitlock.
I have to admit that I'm looking forward to this part of the mission. I just have a feeling that it's not going to be the standard apprehension. If there's one thing I remember about Jasper, it's that he's shrewd. Does he have the guts to fight the Volturi? I believe he does. Would he fight us? I'm hoping I can talk to him and let him know my feelings on the whole ordeal. I think that once I do that, he'll be more comfortable with attending our little gathering here in Italy. If he isn't, well, we have our marching orders.
What will be, will be.
I hear footsteps approaching my door and then a knock. The steps were too light to be Demetri and why would he be visiting me anyway? I feel that annoying little stab of guilt and ruthlessly shut it down.
Shaking my head at myself, I go and answer the door to Jane. I step back holding the door. "Come on in."
She walks in and takes a seat on my couch. I wander over to the Ipod dock and set it to shuffle my Led Zeppelin collection and turn it to low for background. I grab the tequila, two shot glasses and an ash tray and put it all on the coffee table. I know that this is probably going to be a brutal conversation and I'm gonna need all of the vices I can get to get through it. Too bad that nicotine does nothing for me now.
Sitting down, I turn to her and raise my eyebrows in question. She doesn't disappoint.
"You seriously need to pull your head outta your ass. What the fuck is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your fucking head repeatedly as a child?"
I lean forward and pour two shots. "So much for subtlety Jane. Jesus, why don't you tell me how you really feel? No really, don't hold back."
I down the shot and hand her one. She downs hers and gives me the you're-a-dumb-fuck look.
"I tried subtle. It obviously didn't work. Now I'm moving on to the stick of dynamite up your ass type of subtle. You're being stupid and you're gonna screw things up badly enough that they can't be repaired. You need to go to him and apologize for being an idiot. I'm not even saying that you need to move back into his quarters, just back into his life. Shutting him out and pushing him away in all but a professional capacity is just going to kill a very good thing. So he confessed deep feelings for you. What did that really change? You had already told him that you love him right?"
I poured two more shots and we downed them. "You bring the smokes?" She pulls out the pack and tosses it on the table. I shake one out and light up, inhaling deeply and blowing it out. I sit back and look at her.
"Yes, I told him that I love him and he told me that he loves me and then we went on as we had been doing. And we were good. The sex was fantastic. Everything was great. And then he had to get all fucking mushy and express these deeper feelings. Why Jane? Why did he have to go and do that? I'll admit it. I kinda freaked and I'm not sure why. I mean, what's the big difference between a simple 'I love you' and the 'You're everything to me' type of statements that freaked me out? Why could I handle one and not the other?"
I shook my head and she just watched me. I poured more shots and downed mine. "The only thing I can think of is that the expression of deeper feelings was going to lead to commitments and that ......" I trailed off because I didn't want to admit to any of the things that were about to come out of my mouth. I shook my head and poured another shot and knocked it back. I lit another smoke because the other one had burned away in the ash tray. Taking a deep drag, I looked at her and squared my shoulders.
"Commitments scare the fuck out of me, okay? My parents had fucked up lives after they divorced. My freaky mother couldn't choose one guy so she basically had a flavor of the week philosophy and I had to raise myself really. Until she met Phil. Who knows how long he'll last, but she married him. I was amazed.
My father has never had another relationship since my mother walked out on him when I was a baby. And the man hasn't changed a thing in the house since then either. It's like he put himself into some kind of weird stasis, just waiting for her to come back through the door. How is that healthy?
So then I decide to take a chance on this guy. The first guy who ever caught my attention because he was so different. He wasn't like your typical high school guy, or even the type that my mother seemed to attract; just after sex ya know?" I smirk at the memories.
"I actually liked that about him at first. We actually talked about things and he would listen to me. And then, it happened so subtly that I don't even remember it happening, but one day I just knew I loved him. He was so devoted and protective and interested in my life. But he always talked about how dangerous he was and how we shouldn't be together and then I got hurt by that nomad tracker and he seriously talked about us splitting.
It scared the hell out of me and that's when I started thinking about contingency plans for myself. I had to protect myself in case he did screw me over. So little by little, I began to learn to shut that part of myself off, ya know? To stuff it away so it wouldn't hurt so bad when he did finally screw me over. I knew, somewhere deep down, that he probably would and so I prepared myself. After all, wasn't that the track record of every man I had ever been exposed to in my life?
So when Jasper almost ate me for dinner at my birthday party, Edward completely shut down on me and I knew it was coming. He was going to leave me. I mean, he wouldn't commit to turning me, so leaving was the only option according to my reasoning and I was right.
So I devised my little plan and then shut everything down before he could deal the killing blow, so to speak. I mean, the one fucking time I finally decide to take a chance on a guy and he does this kind of shit. But realizing this pissed me off and made me resent him enough to allow me to shut it all down and turn to ice inside which ultimately allowed me to survive.
He asked me to go for a walk in the woods after ignoring me for a couple of days and I just knew it was coming finally. But I was so frozen inside that I pretty much felt nothing and that's how I stayed until Demetri came for me.
Even with him, at first it was that he was gorgeous and fun to talk to and then we had sex and that was great. It was easy and fun and it fit in with how my life was going. I just cruised along with it and I didn't have to think about any of it."
I looked at her and she was still watching me attentively. I poured two more shots and handed one to her as I downed mine. We both lit another smoke and I settled back again.
"But then came the day when he said those profound words that spoke about deeper emotions and all of the sudden, it wasn't easy for me any more. Now I had to think about things that I really didn't want to think about. To tell you the truth, it kind of pissed me off. I almost feel like he fucked up a good thing by making it complicated when we were fine. We were perfectly fine! The only thing that he could have done that would have been worse would be to ask me to marry him, but he may as well have with what he said."
I took a deep drag and blew it out. I looked at Jane and I felt my bottom lip quivering and I choked up. I put my face down into both of my hands and sobbed.
Jane moved toward me and took the cigarette out of my hand and crushed it out, then grabbed me into a hug.
"Jesus Bella, you are one fucked up individual."
We both started laughing while still clutching each other.
"Thanks Jane. I needed to hear that."
She nodded. "Just wait until you get my bill."
After our heart to heart Jane and I decided that going to the training room was a good idea. Yeah, don't forget that we both had had a good amount of tequila. Vampires don't tend to get as drunk on liquor, but if we drink enough......yeah, things like going to the training room start to sound like fun.
So here I am, facing off with none other than Marcus. Yes, that Marcus. The one that has a couple of thousand years of fighting experience. I should have brought the bottle. Because he proceeded to kick my ass royally. Really bad pun intended.
So I pick myself up and dust off all of the debris from the walls that have adhered to my person and decide that he got a lucky shot in.
Well alright, a few lucky shots.
But that won't be happening again because I know all of his tricks now and will avoid them.
It sounded good in my head anyway.
An hour later and I now look like I got into a fight with a freight train but it's all good because oddly enough, I feel better. Now I can add masochist to my diagnosis. Thank you Dr. Phil.
I thank Marcus humbly and Jane and I duck out the side door trying to avoid the crowd that had gathered to take pleasure from my pain. Jane has a permanent smirk on her face but she's not looking at me.
"So, are you going to talk to Demetri before we leave for this last part of the mission?"
I glance at her and then train my gaze forward again as we walk back to my rooms. I know what I'm going to say is probably going to piss her off.
"No. I'll talk to him after we get back and all of this shit is over with."
Her gaze remains steady ahead, her shoulders set.
"Way to kick the can Bella."
She then pins me with a gaze that could cut diamonds.
"I'm only going to say this once. If you let this bullshit affect the mission at all in a negative way, and something bad happens from it, I will not cover for you. You will hang by yourself. You're my friend, but the Volturi comes before all and we can't afford to be distracted by emotional drama. Not when the potential for danger is so high.
You have to have your head in the game one hundred percent on this one Bella. The Whitlock coven are not the Cullen's. They are of a superior caliber of vampire. If it comes to a fight with them, it will be hard won. One slip, one mistake at the wrong moment could mean the difference in a successful mission or a pretty purple smoke cloud for us."
I look down the hall and straighten my spine. "I understand. I'll be in it one hundred percent. I refuse to be the weak link."
I look at her and she's watching me. She gives me one sharp nod. "I'll see you when we depart." She turns down her hallway and disappears behind her door.
DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.