A Soul Darkened
by Laura Spudzmom
Chapter 11:
"Dazed And Confused"
Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talkin', few of them know
Soul of a woman was created below.
* * *
He leaned in and caught my lips in a kiss while his hand slipped in behind my head.
I gasped a bit and then the feel of lips on mine registered and my eyes closed.
I didn't think.
I simply felt.
He was very good.
His lips moved over mine languidly and then I felt his tongue brush my lip and met it eagerly with mine. We nipped and sucked and tasted each other and before I knew it my hands were on his shoulders and I was pulled over to straddle his lap.
He deepened the kiss and his hands moved down my sides to grip my ass and pull me in snug where I felt him hard at my center. I moaned and rocked against him and his hands moved back up taking my shirt with them. We broke the kiss and he pulled my shirt all the way off, caressing my skin as he went.
I reached down and began working on his belt and pants while he pulled me in for another kiss. I got his pants open and worked on the buttons of his shirt. I wanted to feel his skin on mine.
I felt my bra fall loose and let it slide off the rest of the way. His kisses began moving down my neck to my chest and then he was pulling a nipple deeply into his mouth. I moaned out his name and panted at the feeling that went straight to my center.
I felt his hands working the fastenings of my pants and I lifted up a bit to help get them off. He slid them down my legs and took off my shoes with them and lifted me back to his lap where I pushed his pants down far enough to free him. He lifted his hips and shoved the pants down a little further.
He was kissing me again, hands cupping my face while I rocked over him.
He reached down, grabbed my hips and guided me over his cock where I sank down taking him into my slick heat. He groaned and threw back his head while thrusting up into me. I grabbed his shoulders and circled my hips when he was seated deeply inside me.
"God Jasper" I moaned "You feel good.
I tilted my head back and began rising and falling on him, giving my hips a little tilt each down stroke. He was thrusting in time to my movements and we were both panting through parted lips.
I reached for his hands and moved them to my chest and he began caressing my breasts as I rode him slowly, rising all the way up to his tip just to sink down slowly, savoring the silky hard feel of him filling me.
I kept up the slow rhythm, at times moving to kiss him slowly, languidly on the down stroke, circling my hips to enjoy the feel of his hard cock seated fully within me.
"Jesus Bella, you feel so fucking good riding me."
I locked my gaze with his as i slowly sank down on him once more.
"You like having me wrapped around you Jasper? You like feeling me from the inside?" I licked my lips while holding his gaze. "All wet and warm and tight." I gave a squeeze with my internal muscles as I glided down on him. "Because I love feeling you all hard and silky, sliding into me slow and deep."
I gave another circle of my hips and began my slow trip back up. I kissed him and sank back down slowly and moaned "Ohhh Jasper".
He groaned. "Fuck Bella, I can't take this anymore. I have to fuck you for real."
He picked me up and laid me back on the seats, placed my legs over his shoulders and grabbed my hips lifting my lower half off of the seats.
His eyes were almost black and locked with mine.
"You wanted a ride to remember Bella?"
I moaned and nodded. "Yesss" A wicked smirk appeared on his face.
"Well now you're gonna get one." He held my hips as he slid home and proceeded to pick up a punishing pace that had me clamping down on him within a minute.
I screamed out his name and clutched onto whatever I could get a hold on as he fucked me right through my first orgasm.
"You like how my cock feels now Bella? Because I like feeling you grip me when you come around me and I'm gonna make you do that a couple more times before we're done here."
I moaned and panted through his pounding thrusts, feeling my walls fluttering.
"I can feel that you're almost there again Bella. Come on. Give me what I want. Come for me again." He growled out through his thrusts.
And I did.
He was relentless, stroking into me at a maddening pace, golden curls falling into his eyes, breath panted out in time with every thrust.
"That was two Bella. I know you're good for a third and I'm about to fill you. Don't disappoint me Bella. Come with me now!"
He gave me three more hard thrusts and as if my body couldn't disobey him I came around him yet again, gripping his silky hardness and milking his orgasm from him in pulsing waves.
I'm sure if I wasn't a vampire, I wouldn't have lived through this experience. I think my heart would have exploded.
He looked glorious when he came, head thrown back and lips parted, emitting a low moan as he filled me.
He leaned forward and kissed me softly letting my legs slide off his shoulders and pulling out of me slowly.
* * *
I just laid there for a minute in a daze, looking at him.
After recovering my ability to think, I found my clothes and got dressed. Jasper had done the same and now we simply sat here looking at each other.
Then I smirked at him and he grinned at me and the next thing I knew, we were both laughing.
"Christ Jasper, you are a beast. If I wasn't already dead I sure would be now. No human heart would ever withstand a ride like that."
He chuckled. "Yeah well I thought you were gonna kill me with the slow torture you were putting me through. Nothing has ever hurt so good before."
We grinned at each other.
He reached for the key, starting the truck. "Time to head back to the ranch. Pete's probably wondering where the hell I am."
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure it's gotta be kinda tense with that Maria bitch looming."
He ran a hand through his hair and propped his arm on the open window of the truck as he drove.
"Yeah, it is especially with scouts showing up at random times. It's been a pain in the ass which is her goal, of course."
"Well, maybe we can get it taken care of in the next couple of days." I smirked. "Won't she be surprised?"
He nodded and then looked at me.
"I know you mentioned Felix, but who all is in your group Bella?"
As soon as he finished his question, my mind went straight to Demetri and a wad of guilt the size of Texas choked me.
Oh god, what had I done?
I looked out the passenger window. Had my little tryst just fucked up any chance that Demetri and I had together? Could I keep this from him? And if I couldn't would he ever forgive me?
"Bella? That's a shit load of guilt you're feelin'. Care to explain?"
I turned to look at Jasper who was looking at me with concern.
"What's going on Bella? Why the guilt when I asked about your group?"
I dropped my head in my hands and shook my head. I was just now realizing how badly I had fucked up.
Jasper was quick on the uptake. "Oh shit. You're involved with someone from your group aren't you? And we just....." He trailed off. "Jesus Bella, if I had known....." He shook his head. "I'm sorry."
I scoffed. "What are you sorry for Jas? You did nothing wrong. You had no idea. This is all on me."
I dropped my head down again.
"I'm just like my mother. Oh god, I have just realized my worst fear. How could I? I mean, we were having problems, but I just totally didn't think. I just went with what I was feeling in the moment and now I've probably screwed things up beyond repair. He'll hate me and with good reason. This is so far beyond the problems we were having in the first place that we'll never find our way back."
I looked at Jasper in a panic. "He can't find out Jas, please! I can't tell him. He'd never understand and he'd never forgive what I've done. I've already hurt him by putting distance between us because of my stupid insecurities but this would crush him and he'd hate me. He can never know Jasper, please?"
Jasper was being very quiet as he continued to drive. His face was blank. I couldn't discern anything from his expression and I was beginning to feel desperate at his silence. Finally he spoke.
"Bella, things like this usually have a way of becoming known at the worst possible times, even when you try to hide them. Sometimes it's best to face it right up front and work it out than to try and hide it and have it come to light later when more harm and hurt will occur. I know that it seems like it's an impossible situation right now, but it will only grow the more you try to hide it."
He pinned me with his gaze.
"You also have to consider that it's not fair to him to keep this from him Bella. I will leave this entirely up to you. Hell I don't even know for certain who we're talkin' about, but my advice is that you should face this and tell him. If he loves you and you love him, you'll be able to work this out eventually, and begin to build trust again. But when he catches you in a lie this big, and yes I said when not if, that will be a huge breach of trust that he may not be able to ever get past."
I nodded and looked out the window again.
"I know that's good advice Jasper, but I may just be another idiot in your life that disregards your wisdom. Because I know my choices are tell him now, lose him now or have him find out later, lose him later."
I looked at Jasper. "I'd rather have him for a time than to not have him at all."
We got back to the ranch house not long after our conversation ended and walked in to find Pete and his wife in the living room.
Peter's nostrils flared a bit when we came in and he grinned at Jasper and me.
"I was wondering what was taking you two so long, but now I know, especially since you two reek of sex. Have a good time?"
I'm sure had I still been human, all of the blood would have drained from my face. As it was, it felt like I had a stomach full of cold steel. Jasper's face was a blank mask.
Charlotte slapped her husband on the shoulder.
"Peter sugar, you should really learn when to shut that big mouth of yours."
She was looking between Jasper and me and by her expression, I knew she could tell that something wasn't right with the situation.
"Pete, don't mention it again." Jasper's tone of voice was such that the grin dropped right off of Peters face and he nodded. "Got it."
Jasper looked at me. "You might want to wash those clothes a couple of times or simply burn 'em. There's a barrel for burning out back if you go with that option."
I nodded. "Okay, thanks."
He looked at me. "You have a bag in your car? Bring it in and I'll show you to a room where you can shower and change."
I went out to my car and got my bag. When I came back in Peter and Charlotte were gone and Jasper was waiting in the entry way. He led me upstairs to a room and opened the door for me.
"That door right over there is the bath. You'll find what you need in there."
He started to walk out and I stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Jasper?"
He looked at me.
"I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of something like this. It's entirely my fault and well, I'm very sorry. I know my apology is inadequate, but it's all I've got right now."
He nodded and then cupped my cheek with his hand. "I just want you to know that, despite potentially screwing up your current relationship, I don't regret doing what we did Bella. I really like you, but I'll step aside. Just know that I'll be here if you need or want me."
He leaned in and kissed me softly.
Turning back to the door he said "I'll be in the living room when you're finished. I'll show you where that burn barrel is and then we can sit down and talk. I still don't know anything about your group, and we have to make plans if we're gonna fight together."
I nodded. "You're right. I'll be out shortly."
Thirty minutes later I was back down in the living room sitting across from Jasper once again. He smiled at me when I sat down and I tried to smile back. Not too sure I succeeded. "So, your group?"
I nodded. "Yes, my group is comprised of Demetri, Felix, Alec and Jane."
He whistled lowly. "They sent all of the heavy hitters after me. Well damn, this fight with Maria should be a piece of cake. The only real worries we had before were being horribly outnumbered but now it should be fine."
I ran a hand through my hair. "Jas, ya got anything to drink? Tequila? Vodka? Anything?"
He smiled wanly and got up. "Sure, be right back."
He came back a couple of minutes later with a bottle of Grey Goose and two glasses. I pulled out a pack of smokes. "You mind if we take this outside?"
He picked everything up and headed to the door. "Of course not. It's pretty nice outside tonight anyway."
We sat down on the chairs they had on the porch and he poured the vodka while I lit up.
As I sat there thinking about everything, I began to get angry and resentful of my situation. Were these emotions rational at all? Not in the least, but feel them I did and of course, Jasper noticed.
"That's an odd mix you're feeling now Bella." He sipped his vodka.
I lifted my glass and tossed it back in one go. He raised his brows, but refilled the glass without comment. I sighed. I figured maybe I should try to explain.
"I guess it is sort of odd for the situation I'm in considering it's all my fault, but I can't help but feel what I feel. It just pisses me off that I did fine for four years not feeling anything at all and now everything's all involved and complicated. It's all just a huge cluster fuck and I'm getting ready to say fuck it all, ya know? I don't need anybody."
"That's a very lonely and potentially dangerous credo to have Bella. Especially so for a young vampire. Be very careful. I can feel the emotions draining from you as we speak. Don't shut yourself off. I've been there Bella. I was like that for the better part of almost a hundred years and it doesn't make your life better. It just makes it more cold and lonely."
We held each others gaze for moments before I nodded.
"I know you're right Jasper, but that's what I tend to retreat to when I feel threatened emotionally." I studied the glass in my hands and then laughed darkly.
"Christ, I sound like an episode of Dr. fucking Phil."
"Dazed And Confused"
Been Dazed and Confused for so long it's not true.
Wanted a woman, never bargained for you.
Lots of people talkin', few of them know
Soul of a woman was created below.
* * *
He leaned in and caught my lips in a kiss while his hand slipped in behind my head.
I gasped a bit and then the feel of lips on mine registered and my eyes closed.
I didn't think.
I simply felt.
He was very good.
His lips moved over mine languidly and then I felt his tongue brush my lip and met it eagerly with mine. We nipped and sucked and tasted each other and before I knew it my hands were on his shoulders and I was pulled over to straddle his lap.
He deepened the kiss and his hands moved down my sides to grip my ass and pull me in snug where I felt him hard at my center. I moaned and rocked against him and his hands moved back up taking my shirt with them. We broke the kiss and he pulled my shirt all the way off, caressing my skin as he went.
I reached down and began working on his belt and pants while he pulled me in for another kiss. I got his pants open and worked on the buttons of his shirt. I wanted to feel his skin on mine.
I felt my bra fall loose and let it slide off the rest of the way. His kisses began moving down my neck to my chest and then he was pulling a nipple deeply into his mouth. I moaned out his name and panted at the feeling that went straight to my center.
I felt his hands working the fastenings of my pants and I lifted up a bit to help get them off. He slid them down my legs and took off my shoes with them and lifted me back to his lap where I pushed his pants down far enough to free him. He lifted his hips and shoved the pants down a little further.
He was kissing me again, hands cupping my face while I rocked over him.
He reached down, grabbed my hips and guided me over his cock where I sank down taking him into my slick heat. He groaned and threw back his head while thrusting up into me. I grabbed his shoulders and circled my hips when he was seated deeply inside me.
"God Jasper" I moaned "You feel good.
I tilted my head back and began rising and falling on him, giving my hips a little tilt each down stroke. He was thrusting in time to my movements and we were both panting through parted lips.
I reached for his hands and moved them to my chest and he began caressing my breasts as I rode him slowly, rising all the way up to his tip just to sink down slowly, savoring the silky hard feel of him filling me.
I kept up the slow rhythm, at times moving to kiss him slowly, languidly on the down stroke, circling my hips to enjoy the feel of his hard cock seated fully within me.
"Jesus Bella, you feel so fucking good riding me."
I locked my gaze with his as i slowly sank down on him once more.
"You like having me wrapped around you Jasper? You like feeling me from the inside?" I licked my lips while holding his gaze. "All wet and warm and tight." I gave a squeeze with my internal muscles as I glided down on him. "Because I love feeling you all hard and silky, sliding into me slow and deep."
I gave another circle of my hips and began my slow trip back up. I kissed him and sank back down slowly and moaned "Ohhh Jasper".
He groaned. "Fuck Bella, I can't take this anymore. I have to fuck you for real."
He picked me up and laid me back on the seats, placed my legs over his shoulders and grabbed my hips lifting my lower half off of the seats.
His eyes were almost black and locked with mine.
"You wanted a ride to remember Bella?"
I moaned and nodded. "Yesss" A wicked smirk appeared on his face.
"Well now you're gonna get one." He held my hips as he slid home and proceeded to pick up a punishing pace that had me clamping down on him within a minute.
I screamed out his name and clutched onto whatever I could get a hold on as he fucked me right through my first orgasm.
"You like how my cock feels now Bella? Because I like feeling you grip me when you come around me and I'm gonna make you do that a couple more times before we're done here."
I moaned and panted through his pounding thrusts, feeling my walls fluttering.
"I can feel that you're almost there again Bella. Come on. Give me what I want. Come for me again." He growled out through his thrusts.
And I did.
He was relentless, stroking into me at a maddening pace, golden curls falling into his eyes, breath panted out in time with every thrust.
"That was two Bella. I know you're good for a third and I'm about to fill you. Don't disappoint me Bella. Come with me now!"
He gave me three more hard thrusts and as if my body couldn't disobey him I came around him yet again, gripping his silky hardness and milking his orgasm from him in pulsing waves.
I'm sure if I wasn't a vampire, I wouldn't have lived through this experience. I think my heart would have exploded.
He looked glorious when he came, head thrown back and lips parted, emitting a low moan as he filled me.
He leaned forward and kissed me softly letting my legs slide off his shoulders and pulling out of me slowly.
* * *
I just laid there for a minute in a daze, looking at him.
After recovering my ability to think, I found my clothes and got dressed. Jasper had done the same and now we simply sat here looking at each other.
Then I smirked at him and he grinned at me and the next thing I knew, we were both laughing.
"Christ Jasper, you are a beast. If I wasn't already dead I sure would be now. No human heart would ever withstand a ride like that."
He chuckled. "Yeah well I thought you were gonna kill me with the slow torture you were putting me through. Nothing has ever hurt so good before."
We grinned at each other.
He reached for the key, starting the truck. "Time to head back to the ranch. Pete's probably wondering where the hell I am."
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure it's gotta be kinda tense with that Maria bitch looming."
He ran a hand through his hair and propped his arm on the open window of the truck as he drove.
"Yeah, it is especially with scouts showing up at random times. It's been a pain in the ass which is her goal, of course."
"Well, maybe we can get it taken care of in the next couple of days." I smirked. "Won't she be surprised?"
He nodded and then looked at me.
"I know you mentioned Felix, but who all is in your group Bella?"
As soon as he finished his question, my mind went straight to Demetri and a wad of guilt the size of Texas choked me.
Oh god, what had I done?
I looked out the passenger window. Had my little tryst just fucked up any chance that Demetri and I had together? Could I keep this from him? And if I couldn't would he ever forgive me?
"Bella? That's a shit load of guilt you're feelin'. Care to explain?"
I turned to look at Jasper who was looking at me with concern.
"What's going on Bella? Why the guilt when I asked about your group?"
I dropped my head in my hands and shook my head. I was just now realizing how badly I had fucked up.
Jasper was quick on the uptake. "Oh shit. You're involved with someone from your group aren't you? And we just....." He trailed off. "Jesus Bella, if I had known....." He shook his head. "I'm sorry."
I scoffed. "What are you sorry for Jas? You did nothing wrong. You had no idea. This is all on me."
I dropped my head down again.
"I'm just like my mother. Oh god, I have just realized my worst fear. How could I? I mean, we were having problems, but I just totally didn't think. I just went with what I was feeling in the moment and now I've probably screwed things up beyond repair. He'll hate me and with good reason. This is so far beyond the problems we were having in the first place that we'll never find our way back."
I looked at Jasper in a panic. "He can't find out Jas, please! I can't tell him. He'd never understand and he'd never forgive what I've done. I've already hurt him by putting distance between us because of my stupid insecurities but this would crush him and he'd hate me. He can never know Jasper, please?"
Jasper was being very quiet as he continued to drive. His face was blank. I couldn't discern anything from his expression and I was beginning to feel desperate at his silence. Finally he spoke.
"Bella, things like this usually have a way of becoming known at the worst possible times, even when you try to hide them. Sometimes it's best to face it right up front and work it out than to try and hide it and have it come to light later when more harm and hurt will occur. I know that it seems like it's an impossible situation right now, but it will only grow the more you try to hide it."
He pinned me with his gaze.
"You also have to consider that it's not fair to him to keep this from him Bella. I will leave this entirely up to you. Hell I don't even know for certain who we're talkin' about, but my advice is that you should face this and tell him. If he loves you and you love him, you'll be able to work this out eventually, and begin to build trust again. But when he catches you in a lie this big, and yes I said when not if, that will be a huge breach of trust that he may not be able to ever get past."
I nodded and looked out the window again.
"I know that's good advice Jasper, but I may just be another idiot in your life that disregards your wisdom. Because I know my choices are tell him now, lose him now or have him find out later, lose him later."
I looked at Jasper. "I'd rather have him for a time than to not have him at all."
We got back to the ranch house not long after our conversation ended and walked in to find Pete and his wife in the living room.
Peter's nostrils flared a bit when we came in and he grinned at Jasper and me.
"I was wondering what was taking you two so long, but now I know, especially since you two reek of sex. Have a good time?"
I'm sure had I still been human, all of the blood would have drained from my face. As it was, it felt like I had a stomach full of cold steel. Jasper's face was a blank mask.
Charlotte slapped her husband on the shoulder.
"Peter sugar, you should really learn when to shut that big mouth of yours."
She was looking between Jasper and me and by her expression, I knew she could tell that something wasn't right with the situation.
"Pete, don't mention it again." Jasper's tone of voice was such that the grin dropped right off of Peters face and he nodded. "Got it."
Jasper looked at me. "You might want to wash those clothes a couple of times or simply burn 'em. There's a barrel for burning out back if you go with that option."
I nodded. "Okay, thanks."
He looked at me. "You have a bag in your car? Bring it in and I'll show you to a room where you can shower and change."
I went out to my car and got my bag. When I came back in Peter and Charlotte were gone and Jasper was waiting in the entry way. He led me upstairs to a room and opened the door for me.
"That door right over there is the bath. You'll find what you need in there."
He started to walk out and I stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Jasper?"
He looked at me.
"I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of something like this. It's entirely my fault and well, I'm very sorry. I know my apology is inadequate, but it's all I've got right now."
He nodded and then cupped my cheek with his hand. "I just want you to know that, despite potentially screwing up your current relationship, I don't regret doing what we did Bella. I really like you, but I'll step aside. Just know that I'll be here if you need or want me."
He leaned in and kissed me softly.
Turning back to the door he said "I'll be in the living room when you're finished. I'll show you where that burn barrel is and then we can sit down and talk. I still don't know anything about your group, and we have to make plans if we're gonna fight together."
I nodded. "You're right. I'll be out shortly."
Thirty minutes later I was back down in the living room sitting across from Jasper once again. He smiled at me when I sat down and I tried to smile back. Not too sure I succeeded. "So, your group?"
I nodded. "Yes, my group is comprised of Demetri, Felix, Alec and Jane."
He whistled lowly. "They sent all of the heavy hitters after me. Well damn, this fight with Maria should be a piece of cake. The only real worries we had before were being horribly outnumbered but now it should be fine."
I ran a hand through my hair. "Jas, ya got anything to drink? Tequila? Vodka? Anything?"
He smiled wanly and got up. "Sure, be right back."
He came back a couple of minutes later with a bottle of Grey Goose and two glasses. I pulled out a pack of smokes. "You mind if we take this outside?"
He picked everything up and headed to the door. "Of course not. It's pretty nice outside tonight anyway."
We sat down on the chairs they had on the porch and he poured the vodka while I lit up.
As I sat there thinking about everything, I began to get angry and resentful of my situation. Were these emotions rational at all? Not in the least, but feel them I did and of course, Jasper noticed.
"That's an odd mix you're feeling now Bella." He sipped his vodka.
I lifted my glass and tossed it back in one go. He raised his brows, but refilled the glass without comment. I sighed. I figured maybe I should try to explain.
"I guess it is sort of odd for the situation I'm in considering it's all my fault, but I can't help but feel what I feel. It just pisses me off that I did fine for four years not feeling anything at all and now everything's all involved and complicated. It's all just a huge cluster fuck and I'm getting ready to say fuck it all, ya know? I don't need anybody."
"That's a very lonely and potentially dangerous credo to have Bella. Especially so for a young vampire. Be very careful. I can feel the emotions draining from you as we speak. Don't shut yourself off. I've been there Bella. I was like that for the better part of almost a hundred years and it doesn't make your life better. It just makes it more cold and lonely."
We held each others gaze for moments before I nodded.
"I know you're right Jasper, but that's what I tend to retreat to when I feel threatened emotionally." I studied the glass in my hands and then laughed darkly.
"Christ, I sound like an episode of Dr. fucking Phil."
DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.