A Soul Darkened
by Laura Spudzmom
Chapter 17:
Demetri and I took our time making it back to the castle. We had a lot to talk about if we didn't want to end up making the same mistakes we had in the recent past. He was rather quiet, but still holding my hand, rubbing my fingers every now and then with his thumb. I took all the little good signs that I could get at this point, with joy and relief. I had thought I'd lost him for good after all.
He took me to his room and we sat on the couch and faced each other. I took a big breath. Now came the really hard part; talking everything out. I waited for him to start. I knew he had a lot to say and the need to say it. He looked conflicted and I guess I could understand why.
Looking back on the recent past, I had been acting a bit crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. I wonder if I had been making up for all of the craziness that I didn't display as a true newborn, but I really didn't want to try and give myself a pass by thinking that way. I needed to get my shit together as Jane had been telling me.
When I thought about it, I really owed her a lot for listening, putting up with me and trying her best to keep my ass in line. She really was a good friend.
I was brought out of my thoughts by Demetri taking my hand and looking into my eyes.
"Bella, I really want us to work out, but I need to know that you're in this with me one hundred percent this time. No glossing over problems or ignoring things thinking they'll just go away. We have to face it all, Cara or we'll just end up right back where we were with misunderstandings and lack of communication. Can you do that? Are we worth the effort to you Bella, because I can't go through something like this again. It would hurt a lot less to simply agree to end it here and now than to think we're working on things when we aren't, and find that out later. I don't handle confusion and indecision well Cara. I need to know for certain before we move forward. Can you commit? After all of this, I don't think it's too much to ask."
And there was the million dollar word that had made me run in the first place; commitment.
I took my time thinking about it even though I had spent the last few weeks lamenting the fact that I hadn't made a commitment to him in the first place, thus avoiding all this pain and anguish. Was I stupid or something? Here I was hesitating, and the longer I took to answer, the more I could see Demetri shut down.
I reached for his hand and looked him in the eye.
"Demi, don't close off on me. I'm taking time to really think simply because I don't want to screw you over again, not because I'm not sure of my love for you. I know without a doubt that I love you with all of my heart, but I want to be sure that I can trust myself with your heart. Does that make any sense? I really don't want my bullshit to hurt you again. That's why I'm thinking. I want us to be sure and happy and real with each other. I know that you can be and I want to be sure that I can be that for you too."
I leaned in to caress his cheek and kissed him softly, still looking in his eyes.
"God I love you so much it hurts. When I thought that I had screwed things up so badly that you would never look at me again, I wanted to shut down so completely that I would never feel anything again, and I almost did. I almost got to that point. I wasn't caring what I did or to whom. I'm sure when I take the time to look back on all I've done I'm going to be horrified with myself. But right now, you deserve a straight answer to your question."
I kissed him again and drew away.
"My answer is yes, I can commit to you my love. I can't promise not to ever screw up again, but I promise to never run from you or avoid you again. If there's a problem, I promise to stick with you and work it out, not shut down or shut you out."
He cupped my face in his hands and I felt his lips brush mine gently, then with more pressure as he sucked on my bottom lip quickly before pulling back to meet my eyes again.
"No more secrets or surprises?"
I smiled sadly. "No more secrets or surprises."
He moved forward then and took my lips fully with his own, pulling my whole body close into his strong arms. His lips moved over mine and I felt his tongue brush as he nipped at my top lip. Opening to him, we tasted and caressed each others mouths with lips and tongues gently; there was nothing urgent about it.
He began moving his kisses down my jaw to my neck and I gasped in a breath as he bit down on his mark. I moaned at the sensation. I felt claimed and it was wonderful. There was nothing scary about it. I wanted him to claim me fully and that's just what he was doing.
We undressed each other slowly, covering our exposed skin with kisses and nips. I held his head to me in ecstasy as he sucked a nipple into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it.
Moaning, I straddled his lap and sank down on him, circling my hips to fully seat him inside me before beginning a slow rise and fall rhythm, my face buried in his neck, taking in his scent.
I felt his hand move from my hip to my center, circling my clit as I rose and fell, tilting my hips on every down stroke.
Moaning out my name, he reached his free hand behind my head and pulled me down into a heated kiss, pulling back to whisper. "Ti amero per semipro, finch' ci sono stelle nel cielo la mia Bella" ("I'll love you forever, as long as there are stars in the sky my Bella.").
I kissed him again and sank down one more time as I felt us both reach our peak together, pulsing and gasping, breathing each other in with every breath.
We held each other in the quiet night, sharing gentle kisses and caresses until light began to filter through the window as another day began.
I started to get up to go shower and Demetri pulled me back down with him. Running his fingers through my hair he smiled at me.
"What do you say we go for a drive today and see some of the country side? We've never gone any where just for the sake of enjoyment. I have an old friend that owns a vineyard and we could do some wine tasting if you'd like. Would you like to?"
I smiled widely.
"Oh god Demetri, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I'll pack a blanket too." I grinned devilishly. "Maybe we can find some private shade somewhere."
We left the castle about two hours later after a very interesting and active shower. What can I say? He's gorgeous, especially with lots of little beads of water just begging me to follow where they lead.
Our drive, believe it or not, was very leisurely. I never thought a vampire could do the 'sunday drive' thing, but Demetri had it down. We were about half way there, according to Demetri, when he broke some news to me that I just wasn't too sure about.
He kept glancing at me like he wanted to say something and I finally got tired of waiting.
"Demi, honey, you're about to drive me crazy. Just say or ask whatever it is."
He smiled sheepishly.
"That obvious was I?"
I laughed. "Yes! Now get on with it!"
He was now grinning smugly.
"I don't know….maybe I'll just keep it to myself…"
I took a swing at his shoulder which he deftly dodged and still managed to keep the car perfectly in the center of the lane. I rolled my eyes with an exasperated smile on my face.
"Fine, keep it to yourself."
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him flatly.
He tossed up one hand in surrender.
"Okay, okay, I'll tell you, but don't get mad at me."
I narrowed my eyes at him.
"No promises Demi. Now out with it."
Had I been standing, I would have been tapping one foot in irritation.
He sighed and shot me a sidelong glance.
"My friend has horses that aren't afraid of vampires and we're going riding when we get there."
He was now looking at me as if I were about to take his head off. I didn't know how I felt about the idea. I mean, it's not as if I could get hurt from this or anything. I ran the risk of looking utterly ridiculous since I had never even been close to a horse, much less ridden one, but how bad could it be really?
Two hours later, and I was wanting to kick my own ass for asking that question.
There was now no question about how bad it could be as I clung for my dear undead life to the back of this giant animal.
I shot Demetri the dirtiest look I could muster when he stifled a laugh while looking like a knight from medieval times, sitting his steed with regal grace.
"Don't give me any shit Demi. I didn't exactly use these things as regular transportation old man."
He laughed outright now.
"Bella, just sit up straight. It's not that difficult. Simply balance yourself in the saddle, and give him a tiny bit of pressure with both legs to move forward. Don't pull the reins back. Give him his head and he'll move out just fine. Just stay relaxed and balanced and he'll probably just follow me. All you have to do is sit there."
I tried following his direction carefully and after a few minutes of finally getting used to simply sitting on top of the thing, we were able to move out. I smiled. Okay. This wasn't too bad.
We rode through Demetri's friends vineyard and stopped in an orchard that was planted on the hillside. The view was beautiful and we decided to stop here for a while.
I found myself thankful for vampire resilience when we dismounted. I could just tell that there would have been hell to pay in getting my legs back into working order were I still human.
Demetri pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
"You see? You survived the ordeal Cara."
He was smiling widely and I scowled at him until he raised both brows at me and I caved in and gave up a half smile.
"Yes I did and it was nice after the initial terror and awkwardness."
He laughed quietly and ran the back of his fingers down the side of my face. I brought both hands up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck and leaned up to kiss him.
"Thank you for today Demi. It's been lovely."
"It has hasn't it?"
He leaned down and kissed my neck and then wrinkled his nose a bit.
"You smell like horse."
I reached out to tweak his nipple for that comment and he dodged me yet again while laughing.
"If you hadn't been clinging to the thing like a limpet you wouldn't have it's scent all over you."
"Hey, I thought I did pretty well considering that I had never even seen one up close until today."
Yes, I was now pouting, so what?
He grabbed the blanket and spread it under the tree.
"Alright Cara, I'll give you points for trying."
Grabbing my hand, he pulled me down onto the blanket with him and rolled, pinning me under his body. Now he truly had my attention. Wrapping my legs around his waist I pulled his face to mine and kissed him deeply running my fingers through his hair.
It didn't take long until I felt his arousal against me and I bucked my hips seeking more contact with my center. One of his hands traveled down to massage my breast through my shirt and I moaned.
Gods, I couldn't get enough of him.
He reached down and peeled my shirt up and off, deftly unclasping my bra in the next instant, lips attaching to my hardening bud and sucking in a mouthful.
"Demetri" I moaned out. "Gods just fuck me already, please."
He left me for an instant and came back naked, helping me out of the rest of my clothes and settling in between my thighs. He kissed me and then got back up to his knees. Hooking his arms under both of my knees, he grabbed my waist and lifted, plunging into me almost simultaneously.
I gasped at the feeling of being so completely filled so suddenly. It was exquisite and I threw back my head and moaned as he picked up a punishing pace. I began caressing my own breasts as I watched him.
I moaned and panted at the double stimulation of watching him and feeling him fuck me at the same time. I felt the coil within me winding tighter by the second.
"Demi, I'm almost there" I panted out, throwing my head back.
"I know Cara. I can feel you." He growled out.
He tilted my pelvis just a bit to change the angle and I came instantly with a gasped out scream and he just kept going.
"I'm not through with you yet Cara."
He picked up his pace and with the new angle I was amazed to feel another orgasm building. It was almost painful in the intensity; exquisite torture that had me tearing at the blanket we were on.
"Demetri please…."I moaned out slowly through almost continuous pants.
He grinned wolfishly and slowed his pace while increasing the drive and reaching one hand to circle my clit with his thumb.
To say I screamed his name when I came would be putting it mildly. I think I remember praising every deity that I could name at the time.
Four thrusts later he groaned and filled me while slowly stroking into me through his orgasm.
He laid down beside me and I snuggled into his side, laying my head on his chest.
We lay quietly like that for a while with me tickling his nipple with a few strands of hair.
"Haven't you had enough Cara?"
I smiled. "Of you Demi? Never. Won't happen. I love feeling you fill me too much. You're delicious." I purred out.
He groaned and I could see his cock start to become interested in what I was saying.
I laughed. "Are you tired Honey?" I asked in a sweet sympathetic tone.
He reached down and swatted me on my ass.
"I don't get tired Cara. But we do have to leave here if we want to do the wine tasting."
I shot up. "Shit Demi! Let's go. I don't want to miss it. I was really looking forward to it."
I eyed the horses with distaste.
"And we still have to ride those beasts all the way back. There's no fucking way I'm going to gain any kind of speed on one of those."
He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck.
"I'll be your knight in shining armor Cara. You can ride in front of me and we'll make better time. The other horse will simply follow."
After dressing and cleaning up the shredded blanket, that's exactly how we made our way back to the stable. It was much more fun that way. Demetri made me feel like a damsel with his strong arms and body bracing me as we galloped back the way we came.
"You're very good at this knight shit Demi."
He laughed.
"And you're very good at shattering my damsel illusion with your modern girl language Cara." I slapped his shoulder and this time he couldn't dodge.
Demetri and I took our time making it back to the castle. We had a lot to talk about if we didn't want to end up making the same mistakes we had in the recent past. He was rather quiet, but still holding my hand, rubbing my fingers every now and then with his thumb. I took all the little good signs that I could get at this point, with joy and relief. I had thought I'd lost him for good after all.
He took me to his room and we sat on the couch and faced each other. I took a big breath. Now came the really hard part; talking everything out. I waited for him to start. I knew he had a lot to say and the need to say it. He looked conflicted and I guess I could understand why.
Looking back on the recent past, I had been acting a bit crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. I wonder if I had been making up for all of the craziness that I didn't display as a true newborn, but I really didn't want to try and give myself a pass by thinking that way. I needed to get my shit together as Jane had been telling me.
When I thought about it, I really owed her a lot for listening, putting up with me and trying her best to keep my ass in line. She really was a good friend.
I was brought out of my thoughts by Demetri taking my hand and looking into my eyes.
"Bella, I really want us to work out, but I need to know that you're in this with me one hundred percent this time. No glossing over problems or ignoring things thinking they'll just go away. We have to face it all, Cara or we'll just end up right back where we were with misunderstandings and lack of communication. Can you do that? Are we worth the effort to you Bella, because I can't go through something like this again. It would hurt a lot less to simply agree to end it here and now than to think we're working on things when we aren't, and find that out later. I don't handle confusion and indecision well Cara. I need to know for certain before we move forward. Can you commit? After all of this, I don't think it's too much to ask."
And there was the million dollar word that had made me run in the first place; commitment.
I took my time thinking about it even though I had spent the last few weeks lamenting the fact that I hadn't made a commitment to him in the first place, thus avoiding all this pain and anguish. Was I stupid or something? Here I was hesitating, and the longer I took to answer, the more I could see Demetri shut down.
I reached for his hand and looked him in the eye.
"Demi, don't close off on me. I'm taking time to really think simply because I don't want to screw you over again, not because I'm not sure of my love for you. I know without a doubt that I love you with all of my heart, but I want to be sure that I can trust myself with your heart. Does that make any sense? I really don't want my bullshit to hurt you again. That's why I'm thinking. I want us to be sure and happy and real with each other. I know that you can be and I want to be sure that I can be that for you too."
I leaned in to caress his cheek and kissed him softly, still looking in his eyes.
"God I love you so much it hurts. When I thought that I had screwed things up so badly that you would never look at me again, I wanted to shut down so completely that I would never feel anything again, and I almost did. I almost got to that point. I wasn't caring what I did or to whom. I'm sure when I take the time to look back on all I've done I'm going to be horrified with myself. But right now, you deserve a straight answer to your question."
I kissed him again and drew away.
"My answer is yes, I can commit to you my love. I can't promise not to ever screw up again, but I promise to never run from you or avoid you again. If there's a problem, I promise to stick with you and work it out, not shut down or shut you out."
He cupped my face in his hands and I felt his lips brush mine gently, then with more pressure as he sucked on my bottom lip quickly before pulling back to meet my eyes again.
"No more secrets or surprises?"
I smiled sadly. "No more secrets or surprises."
He moved forward then and took my lips fully with his own, pulling my whole body close into his strong arms. His lips moved over mine and I felt his tongue brush as he nipped at my top lip. Opening to him, we tasted and caressed each others mouths with lips and tongues gently; there was nothing urgent about it.
He began moving his kisses down my jaw to my neck and I gasped in a breath as he bit down on his mark. I moaned at the sensation. I felt claimed and it was wonderful. There was nothing scary about it. I wanted him to claim me fully and that's just what he was doing.
We undressed each other slowly, covering our exposed skin with kisses and nips. I held his head to me in ecstasy as he sucked a nipple into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it.
Moaning, I straddled his lap and sank down on him, circling my hips to fully seat him inside me before beginning a slow rise and fall rhythm, my face buried in his neck, taking in his scent.
I felt his hand move from my hip to my center, circling my clit as I rose and fell, tilting my hips on every down stroke.
Moaning out my name, he reached his free hand behind my head and pulled me down into a heated kiss, pulling back to whisper. "Ti amero per semipro, finch' ci sono stelle nel cielo la mia Bella" ("I'll love you forever, as long as there are stars in the sky my Bella.").
I kissed him again and sank down one more time as I felt us both reach our peak together, pulsing and gasping, breathing each other in with every breath.
We held each other in the quiet night, sharing gentle kisses and caresses until light began to filter through the window as another day began.
I started to get up to go shower and Demetri pulled me back down with him. Running his fingers through my hair he smiled at me.
"What do you say we go for a drive today and see some of the country side? We've never gone any where just for the sake of enjoyment. I have an old friend that owns a vineyard and we could do some wine tasting if you'd like. Would you like to?"
I smiled widely.
"Oh god Demetri, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I'll pack a blanket too." I grinned devilishly. "Maybe we can find some private shade somewhere."
We left the castle about two hours later after a very interesting and active shower. What can I say? He's gorgeous, especially with lots of little beads of water just begging me to follow where they lead.
Our drive, believe it or not, was very leisurely. I never thought a vampire could do the 'sunday drive' thing, but Demetri had it down. We were about half way there, according to Demetri, when he broke some news to me that I just wasn't too sure about.
He kept glancing at me like he wanted to say something and I finally got tired of waiting.
"Demi, honey, you're about to drive me crazy. Just say or ask whatever it is."
He smiled sheepishly.
"That obvious was I?"
I laughed. "Yes! Now get on with it!"
He was now grinning smugly.
"I don't know….maybe I'll just keep it to myself…"
I took a swing at his shoulder which he deftly dodged and still managed to keep the car perfectly in the center of the lane. I rolled my eyes with an exasperated smile on my face.
"Fine, keep it to yourself."
I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at him flatly.
He tossed up one hand in surrender.
"Okay, okay, I'll tell you, but don't get mad at me."
I narrowed my eyes at him.
"No promises Demi. Now out with it."
Had I been standing, I would have been tapping one foot in irritation.
He sighed and shot me a sidelong glance.
"My friend has horses that aren't afraid of vampires and we're going riding when we get there."
He was now looking at me as if I were about to take his head off. I didn't know how I felt about the idea. I mean, it's not as if I could get hurt from this or anything. I ran the risk of looking utterly ridiculous since I had never even been close to a horse, much less ridden one, but how bad could it be really?
Two hours later, and I was wanting to kick my own ass for asking that question.
There was now no question about how bad it could be as I clung for my dear undead life to the back of this giant animal.
I shot Demetri the dirtiest look I could muster when he stifled a laugh while looking like a knight from medieval times, sitting his steed with regal grace.
"Don't give me any shit Demi. I didn't exactly use these things as regular transportation old man."
He laughed outright now.
"Bella, just sit up straight. It's not that difficult. Simply balance yourself in the saddle, and give him a tiny bit of pressure with both legs to move forward. Don't pull the reins back. Give him his head and he'll move out just fine. Just stay relaxed and balanced and he'll probably just follow me. All you have to do is sit there."
I tried following his direction carefully and after a few minutes of finally getting used to simply sitting on top of the thing, we were able to move out. I smiled. Okay. This wasn't too bad.
We rode through Demetri's friends vineyard and stopped in an orchard that was planted on the hillside. The view was beautiful and we decided to stop here for a while.
I found myself thankful for vampire resilience when we dismounted. I could just tell that there would have been hell to pay in getting my legs back into working order were I still human.
Demetri pulled me into his arms and kissed me.
"You see? You survived the ordeal Cara."
He was smiling widely and I scowled at him until he raised both brows at me and I caved in and gave up a half smile.
"Yes I did and it was nice after the initial terror and awkwardness."
He laughed quietly and ran the back of his fingers down the side of my face. I brought both hands up to play with the hair at the nape of his neck and leaned up to kiss him.
"Thank you for today Demi. It's been lovely."
"It has hasn't it?"
He leaned down and kissed my neck and then wrinkled his nose a bit.
"You smell like horse."
I reached out to tweak his nipple for that comment and he dodged me yet again while laughing.
"If you hadn't been clinging to the thing like a limpet you wouldn't have it's scent all over you."
"Hey, I thought I did pretty well considering that I had never even seen one up close until today."
Yes, I was now pouting, so what?
He grabbed the blanket and spread it under the tree.
"Alright Cara, I'll give you points for trying."
Grabbing my hand, he pulled me down onto the blanket with him and rolled, pinning me under his body. Now he truly had my attention. Wrapping my legs around his waist I pulled his face to mine and kissed him deeply running my fingers through his hair.
It didn't take long until I felt his arousal against me and I bucked my hips seeking more contact with my center. One of his hands traveled down to massage my breast through my shirt and I moaned.
Gods, I couldn't get enough of him.
He reached down and peeled my shirt up and off, deftly unclasping my bra in the next instant, lips attaching to my hardening bud and sucking in a mouthful.
"Demetri" I moaned out. "Gods just fuck me already, please."
He left me for an instant and came back naked, helping me out of the rest of my clothes and settling in between my thighs. He kissed me and then got back up to his knees. Hooking his arms under both of my knees, he grabbed my waist and lifted, plunging into me almost simultaneously.
I gasped at the feeling of being so completely filled so suddenly. It was exquisite and I threw back my head and moaned as he picked up a punishing pace. I began caressing my own breasts as I watched him.
I moaned and panted at the double stimulation of watching him and feeling him fuck me at the same time. I felt the coil within me winding tighter by the second.
"Demi, I'm almost there" I panted out, throwing my head back.
"I know Cara. I can feel you." He growled out.
He tilted my pelvis just a bit to change the angle and I came instantly with a gasped out scream and he just kept going.
"I'm not through with you yet Cara."
He picked up his pace and with the new angle I was amazed to feel another orgasm building. It was almost painful in the intensity; exquisite torture that had me tearing at the blanket we were on.
"Demetri please…."I moaned out slowly through almost continuous pants.
He grinned wolfishly and slowed his pace while increasing the drive and reaching one hand to circle my clit with his thumb.
To say I screamed his name when I came would be putting it mildly. I think I remember praising every deity that I could name at the time.
Four thrusts later he groaned and filled me while slowly stroking into me through his orgasm.
He laid down beside me and I snuggled into his side, laying my head on his chest.
We lay quietly like that for a while with me tickling his nipple with a few strands of hair.
"Haven't you had enough Cara?"
I smiled. "Of you Demi? Never. Won't happen. I love feeling you fill me too much. You're delicious." I purred out.
He groaned and I could see his cock start to become interested in what I was saying.
I laughed. "Are you tired Honey?" I asked in a sweet sympathetic tone.
He reached down and swatted me on my ass.
"I don't get tired Cara. But we do have to leave here if we want to do the wine tasting."
I shot up. "Shit Demi! Let's go. I don't want to miss it. I was really looking forward to it."
I eyed the horses with distaste.
"And we still have to ride those beasts all the way back. There's no fucking way I'm going to gain any kind of speed on one of those."
He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck.
"I'll be your knight in shining armor Cara. You can ride in front of me and we'll make better time. The other horse will simply follow."
After dressing and cleaning up the shredded blanket, that's exactly how we made our way back to the stable. It was much more fun that way. Demetri made me feel like a damsel with his strong arms and body bracing me as we galloped back the way we came.
"You're very good at this knight shit Demi."
He laughed.
"And you're very good at shattering my damsel illusion with your modern girl language Cara." I slapped his shoulder and this time he couldn't dodge.
DISCLAIMER: Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.