Elemental Goddess
By: Wizardtho
Chapter 66: Tearing Me Up Inside
BPOV:
Alice dragged me toward the SUV, though Edward and Jasper were scolding her for not slowing down. She immediately stopped to put her hand to my tummy, "Sorry babies... Auntie Ali just wants to play in the sand. I'm sorry. I'll slow down so I don't jostle you around."
She turned back around, then made extremely exaggerated, slow movements... like she was running in slow-mo on a dvd. I laughed so hard I doubled over, while Alice looked at me innocently. "Ali, you goof. Your not on slow-mo in dvd world. We can walk at a normal human pace to the SUV. It's just right there. Now will you behave long enough for us to walk there?"
She looked at me with the most sickly sweet innocent face as she nodded. I laughed, walking toward the SUV, then dashed toward it as fast as I could, not looking back to see where she was. I was giggling when I got half way there and no one caught me. That was my mistake.
Not a second later, Ali twirled me up into her arms to kiss both my cheeks, giggling as she said, "Caught ya. Now you're it."
I laughed then breathed into her ear, "Does that mean I'm on top?"
She stopped giggling and twirling instantly, then slowly nodded as her eyes darkened. She breathed, "Damn, I want to kiss you right now."
I placed my head on her shoulder, breathing back, "I know, Sweetie. Me, too. I hate that we have to hide while we're in public. God, I can't wait until we're in Texas. I'm gonna make love to you by one of the lakes at the property. I don't care who sees. I'll kiss you up against a wall at the mall... I'll hold your hand in the grocery store... I'll ride your fingers in the middle of a damn club. I hate having to hide how I feel about you guys."
She whimpered softly, then set me down before staring at me. She looked like she'd cry, "What's wrong, Ali?"
She shook her head no, "You'd do all that with me... even though you have your mates?"
I nodded while smiling widely. "I'd do that with you and my mates with me. I'd do it with them right there to watch. I love this family, Ali. You and Edward were the first, but I feel like that with the whole family. The dynamic has changed, but my feelings have only grown stronger. I may not have always thought of making love to you, but I always felt close to you. Plus, you and Edward will always be special to Jasper and I. Never forget that, Sweetie."
She smiled, hugging me tight, so I kissed her temple, "I love you, Ali... please don't doubt that."
She nodded as the hug broke. Edward walked over, asking, "I thought you two were supposed to get the sandcastle tools. What happened?"
He was looking at us like he knew what happened. If Alice was thinking about it, he probably did. I smiled, "Oh, just girl talk. Thinking about going to a club when we get to Texas."
Alice giggled as Edward's eyes went wide. I nodded, then finished walking to the SUV. Edward and Alice caught up to me, then Edward breathed, "I'd definitely put up with all the thoughts in a club to be able to see that."
He kissed my temple as I laughed, then mumbled, "Yeah, I bet you would."
He laughed loudly, then we finally were able to get the tools out of the back.
Edward gave Alice a piggy-back ride on the way over to the others. I walked next to them, thinking about everything that's gone on lately. I thought about what Charlie said, what Billy said, how much it was tearing me up inside to hide our relationships with each other, the risk to everyone if it got out, the risk to everyone just being in my presence, as well as if everyone else would even want to go public.
I sat down in the sand. I tried to be productive with the monstrosity they wanted to build in a span of 30 minutes, but mostly I ended up just doodling in the sand as I thought.
Peter came up behind me at one point, asking if I was okay. I nodded, but he knew it was just for show. He could feel the turmoil inside me, so he whispered, "Walk with me, Little One."
I nodded, so he took my hand as we walked down the beach out of whisper hearing distance of the others. He hugged me to him, "What's wrong? And don't tell me that you're fine, Little One, because I can feel everythin' you do. Talk to me, please. I don't like seein' ya like this. Ya should never have to feel what I'm feelin' from ya."
He hugged me tighter as I tried to keep the tears from building. I choked out, "I can't handle not being able to touch one of them without always wondering if someone is watching or listening. I hate this secretive shit, Peter. I hate it. I wanted to kiss Ali so bad back there. She was practically in tears thinking I would never do anything with her in public... that I wouldn't kiss her or touch her in public because I had my mates. She asked me -with venom in her eyes- if I would really do that with her even though I had my mates. I can't even show her. I had to try to tell her. I can't tease Edward or kiss Emmett... hold Esme's hand, sit in Carlisle's lap, or wrap Rose in my arms. I can't do any of that right now. The worst part of it all, is that whether we let everyone know or not, the risk of them even being in my presence is the same as people knowing.”
I shook my head as I took a frustrated breath, then continued, “Then... would they even want to go public? Would Carlisle want to be seen kissing me in public? Would Esme? Charlie already knows, for Christ's sake. I don't know how, but he said when he hugged me congratulations that he would be there for me when I was ready to talk to him about it, that he loved me no matter what. It clicked when I was talking to Billy. He confirmed that they all know. It must have been one of the pack. That's the only thing I could think... unless Sam hasn't completely stopped phasing yet. With the battles and the danger, maybe he's still phasing? I don't know. I don't even know how to deal with all this right now. I just know that I can't keep tearing myself up inside, not being able to be with them when and how we want. You three are my mates, you always will be. This budding thing with the family... it's different, but still important in its own right. Does that make sense?"
He nodded, then kissed my neck. "I feel the same way ya do, Kitten. I've wanted to grab Edward to kiss him senseless so many times today... the look he gives me when he sees me lookin' at him... ungh... I don't like this anymore than ya do. This is your decision, though, Kitten. Ya need to talk to the family, to decide what you're willin' to do. Know that once ya've made your decision, ya have to stick with it. Jasper, Char, and I will do whatever will make ya happiest. We'll go with whatever decision ya decide to make. You matter most to us. Please remember that."
I nodded while clutching myself to him. Jasper came over a few minutes later to tell us that the wolves had just left the island, and they would be here soon. He smiled at me before turning to leave, but I whispered, "Jazz? Can I talk to you a minute?"
He came to me instantly, so I looked up at Peter. He nodded, then kissed me softly before he went to find Char. Jasper sat on the sand, so I straddled his lap, wrapping myself around him. "Jazz, I don't know what to do. Help me decide, please."
I laid my head on his shoulder, kissed his neck. "Talk to me, Darlin'. What's going on in that head of yours?"
I giggled, "That's what Edward used to ask."
He smiled as he kissed my temple. I took a minute, then softly said, "I don't like the hiding, Jazz. I hate it so much. Knowing that I can't touch them, kiss them, hold their hands, wrap myself around them or even nuzzle against them. It's tearing me apart inside. Charlie and the elders already know. I think either one of the wolves said something in conversation to an elder, or Sam's still phasing with the danger so close and the looming battle. But Charlie knows everything that's gone on, and Billy confirmed it. Charlie's words were that he'd be there for me when I was ready to talk about it, that he loved me no matter what. Then it clicked as I was talking to Billy, who confirmed it when I asked. Everyone is in a shit-ton of danger just being in my presence. Victoria already knows that Edward was special to me and Alice was my best friend. Every one of them stuck up for me with the James incident, right along with you. Is telling everyone really going to put them in a lot more danger? Or are they in as much danger as possible already, just being associated with me? Help me, Jasper, please. I don't know what to do."
He gently lifted my chin, kissed me, then said against my lips, "I personally don't think the danger would be much more than it already is, Darlin'. We have 6 shifter tribes that are going to be here right soon after we get back from seeing the shaman, a whole pack of wolves, plus 13 vampires, with more on the way. Then sometime before Halloween, another three tribes will be here, with who knows how many more vampires. On top of all of that, Darlin, you’ll be a vampire elemental goddess. If all of that can't keep everyone safe, I don't think anything will. I love you, My Mate, and I hate seeing you so torn up. I'll do whatever you need me to, but I think you should talk to the family. I'll spread the word quietly, to have them meet us at the cabin. You can talk to them to see how they feel. Once you know, you can make your decision... but it is yours to make, Darlin'. You need to do what you feel is best for you right now. You need to follow your instincts on this. You know the three of us won't leave your side for a second. I think once we find out how the others feel and you make your decision, you should talk to Charlie. He already knows according to what you said, but you talking to him about your decision will help make it final for you... no matter which way you decide."
I nodded while hugging him tighter to me, "It just hurts so much, Jazz. It's tearing me to pieces inside. I know this is all new, but I want to be able to be with them in public... not care what anyone thinks, or be afraid that someone's watching over my shoulder all the time. There's already so much happening... I don't want this to be a secret that drives us apart, instead of a love that brings us together like it's suppose to. I don't think I can be with them one way behind closed doors, then another way in public. It feels wrong, Jasper... all wrong. I think it has to be all or nothing. Either we can be with them fully, or we can't be with them at all."
He nuzzled deeply into my neck, "Does it sound bad that I hope for the all in that equation, Darlin'?"
I smiled as I shook my head, "Not at all. I'm hoping that, too. I don't want to give up what we're just now finding with them."
He kissed me slowly, deeply for a few minutes, then I felt Jake nuzzle my hand on Jasper's back, "Hey, Jake... Is everyone back?"
He nodded, then licked my hand and whimpered. "I'm okay now, Jake. I was having a hard time not being open about our relationships with the family. I just needed to talk it out with Jasper and Peter. Do you know if Sam is still shifting with all of the danger and battle stuff going on?"
He nodded, so I asked, "He is?"
He nodded again, then I asked, "Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"
He shook his head no with a whimper. "It was an elder order, wasn't it? They ordered everyone not to tell."
He nodded, so I patted his muzzle as I said, "It's okay, Jake. I don't blame you. I just wish I would have known. I wouldn't have been so blindsided today."
He looked at me quizzically. I shook my head in response, "I'll explain when we get back to the cabin. Jazz needs to go make rounds, so you can walk me to the Tahoe."
He nodded, then Jasper kissed me softly before pulling us both up to our feet. I brushed the sand off me, then wove my fingers in the hair at Jake's neck as we walked back to the Tahoe. I opened the doors, watching Jake wrangle his way in on his belly, then curl up in the most comfortable position he could find.
I leaned back against him with my hand on his muzzle, resting peacefully until everyone else started loading up. Jasper climbed in next to me, scratching Jake's ear before he settled back.
We were home in no time. Edward said aloud that he wanted to get a massage in for me before it got too late. I nodded, then told Eleazar that I would send the cooler back with Alice or Edward. He smiled before my mates and I made our way to the cabin.
When we got inside, we left the bedroom door open. I went in to wash the salt water feeling off of my face. I bent over, leaning on the counter as my wet hands covered my face.
After a minute of standing like that and thinking, I smelled Edward's sweet scent. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, so I leaned back against him as my hands slipped from my face to the counter.
He whispered as he nipped and kissed from my neck to my shoulder, "Christ, I severely disliked not being able to kiss you like this today. Every time your hair would flutter in the breeze, all I wanted to do was hold you and kiss you."
I nodded, "I know. That's what had me so upset today. When we were all in the hug after the last test, I really wanted to jump on all of you to kiss you senseless, but I couldn't. It killed me. It tore me up all afternoon. Finally Peter dragged me away, then we talked. I talked to Jasper, too. That's why we're waiting on everyone. I need to talk to everyone together. I have some decisions to make, but they need to be made quickly, before this hiding tears me to shreds and there's nothing left of me."
He nodded, sounding sad, "Have you made a final decision yet?"
I shook my head, "I need to talk to everyone first, to let them know what I found out today. I won't make a final decision until everything that needs to be said has been said."
He nodded, then ran his lips down my shoulder before turning me to him, continuing his path across my collarbone as my head fell back. I whispered, "I love the way your lips feel on my skin," as he flicked his tongue against the hollow of my throat.
"I can taste the sun and ocean on your skin, Sweetheart."
He nipped my collarbone, then Alice came in, nipping my other one. I moaned, "No fair ganging up."
They laughed, then I heard the others laugh out in the bedroom. Alice said softly after she kissed me, "Everyone's here."
I nodded, replying, "Let me finish washing my face. That was what I originally came in here to do. I'll be out in a second. You two go ahead."
They touched my cheeks, then went to join the others. I twisted my hair up in a messy bun, then washed my face with hot water. I dried it quickly before placing the towel on the counter.
I walked back into the room, but stopped cold at the look on everyone's faces. Carlisle whispered brokenly, "Are... you putting a stop... to the relationships... you've started to have with us? Is... Is that why you called us?"
I rushed to him, climbed into his lap, holding his chin and forcing him to look at me, "It killed me... tore me to shreds today... not to be able to touch and kiss you all like I wanted to. Do you think I would willing just give up without trying to find a way for the relationships to work? Carlisle, you know me better than that. I'm a fighter. Glass was millimeters from piercing an artery in my arm, yet instead of going to the hospital, it was pretty much 'Carlisle, stitch me up and I'll be good to go'. Does that sound like I'm a quitter?”
I shook my head, “All of this mess with Victoria... I could have rolled over at any time, placed a huge x on my neck to show her where to bite. I could have gone to Seattle myself, wandered around just waiting for her to find me... but I didn't. Instead, I'm building an army of vampires, shifters, and a goddess with still yet unknown powers, to take her head on and show her who she's fucking with. Does that sound like I'm a quitter? I love you, Carlisle... just like I love the rest of the family in this room. I will not give up on you or them without a fight. You and Esme mean just as much to me as Edward, Alice, Rose, and Emmett. Don't, for one iota of a second, think I'm giving up."
I let out a breath, kissed him softly, then I said in a softer tone, "I called you here to tell you all that I can't hide how I feel about you... any of you. Today tore me apart from the inside out. Not being able to kiss Alice when she had venom in her eyes, thinking I didn't want to touch her in public... not being able to jump into your arms when the test was complete to kiss you senseless... not being able to tease Edward... or hold Rose... or sit in Em's lap and nuzzle up to him... it practically broke me. I called you all here to see how you truly felt about our relationships going public. Do you want me and my mates to touch you in public? To kiss you, knowing you have a mate? I know for a fact I can't do the hiding thing anymore. I'm sorry, but I just can't.”
I took a breath, then said, “Charlie and the elders know already. When the test was over, I was hugging Charlie. His words to me were that he would be here for me when I was ready to talk about it, and that he loved me, no matter what. It didn't register what he was talking about, until I was talking to Billy. Then it clicked. Billy said he knew where Jake slept, that he was in wolf form except to eat. He knew the extent of my intimate life that Jake knew about. That's when it all fell into place. Jake has been in the room for everything. I asked him if Charlie knew what Jake has seen in the last 24 hours. That’s when he confirmed it.”
I looked at each before continuing, “He said the elders, pack and Charlie will not breathe our secret to anyone, nor are they upset. He said Charlie said something about how this might be the reason I was so close to all of you from the beginning. Just like I was the wolves. Even when every one of them knew I was dating a vampire, they couldn't stay away from me or shun me. Charlie thinks you all feeding from me is a necessity... which it kind of is. You don't thirst for blood. You are all full to capacity, so you don't even want it when you're near it. Since feeding from me is a kind of intimate bonding experience, Charlie was not surprised to find out that the intimacy went further than feeding. Those were Billy's words. My only two thoughts were that either a wolf had mentioned something to an elder as they spoke, or that with all the danger and battle crap going on, Sam didn't stop phasing completely. It was Sam... since he's an elder, he had to keep the others apprised of the happenings. I don't blame him, but I wish he would have told me he was still phasing."
I took another breath, stating, "My whole point to this is that I thought a lot about how it felt, not being able to be close to all of you today. I thought about the danger it would put you in if we were found out, the danger you are already in for just knowing me and being a part of James' death. Jasper and I both think that it wouldn't get much worse than it already is, danger wise, as Victoria knows I was close to all of you. If you all truly feel that you can be closer to us in public, then I need to know now. You know how I feel, along with what I can and can't handle. Now I need to know how all of you feel."
My voice got much softer on the last sentence, but Carlisle instantly crashed his lips to mine. He tightened his arms around me, up into my hair and holding my ass, moaning loudly while tangling his tongue with mine. He kissed me passionately, our tongues dancing dangerously, causing me to whimper in need.
As he broke the kiss, he breathed against my panting mouth, "Esme and I talked already. We both feel the same as you do... we don't like hiding. We want to be able to touch you freely... all of you. We love you all so much, and don't want to hide it from anyone. I want to be able to kiss you in the middle of Times Square while you're holding Esme's hand and sitting on Emmett's lap. We don't care who sees us, Bella... we want to love you all freely."
I cried out at the joy I felt, crushing myself to him before kissing him soundly. When the kiss broke, I scrambled over to straddle Esme, then whispered against her smiling lips, "Are you sure? Really sure? I can kiss you in the grocery store? Wrap my arms around you in the mall?"
She nodded as her smile got bigger. I moaned as I wove my fingers in her hair to press my lips to hers. Carlisle slid his hand against my thigh, causing Esme and I to both moan. As the kiss ended, I flicked my tongue playfully against hers, to which Carlisle whimpered. I whispered, "I love you both, so much."
She nodded as she hugged me, so I looked up to my mates. They were beaming, which made me smile brightly.
I looked to Rose and Emmett... then was sprawled across their laps before I even registered my own movement. Rose cradled my head like a baby's, bending her head to mine. She touched our foreheads while staring deeply at me. "Don't even ask. There's no need. We aren't going anywhere, unless it's out with any number of you on our arms. We love you, Bella. Yes, we want to go public. Both Em and I."
She kissed me softly, lovingly. Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes. She licked them away, then sat me up slowly. Emmett look at me, then licked a line from the valley of my chest to the hollow of my throat. I crawled on top of him, grabbed his hair, pulled back, then bit his Adam's apple. He growled playfully as I moaned.
I heard Alice giggle, "Well it looks like they made up."
I laughed, saying, "Yeah, I guess that's foreplay for Em and I, huh?"
Everyone chuckled at that as Emmett bit gently on my bottom lip. I licked his top teeth, causing him to whimper as he captured my lips. We kissed for a moment, then I panted, "Thank you both for staying. Thank you both for loving us enough to go public."
They nodded, smiling brightly, then I turned to look at Edward and Alice sitting at the edge of the bed. I moved to walk over to Alice, pushing her back on the bed before straddling her. I didn't wait for her to answer me, I just thrust my tongue in her mouth and kissed her heatedly.
When I needed air, she whimpered. I panted against her lips, "That is what I wanted to do to you earlier by the SUV. I swear to Christ, Ali. I will prove to you every day that I don't care who sees me, I want you. You know my mates are all for this, or we wouldn't be here right now. Yes, I have them, but what we have is different from what mates share. I won't give it up. I'm not giving you a choice like I did them. I know you want to go public. I saw it in your eyes earlier. I meant what I said about the club, too. We might just get kicked out for doing it, but I will ride your fingers in the middle of a packed club if you ask."
I heard everyone moan at that as Jasper grunted, "Fuck, that's hot."
I pecked her lips, then said, "Do you have anything to add?" as I quirked my eyebrow at her.
She whimpered in response, "I'm asking."
Edward growled playfully as he nipped my shoulder, so I pecked Ali's lips one more time before I threw Edward back onto the bed.
I actually pushed him hard enough for his eyes to go wide. I straddled him, nestled our clothed cores together, then said, "I'm not fucking giving you a choice either, Edward. You just told me you severely disliked... yeah, those were your words... severely disliked not being able to kiss and nip at me in public. You made your choice already. So help me God, if you say one thing against going public, I'll chain you with the cuffs and chains Emmett was in. It won't be pretty this time. I'll have Major go find a replica of his favorite flogger, then I'll play with Ali in front of you while Major takes the flogger to your sexy naked ass. Do you understand me, Edward?"
He was whimpering and moaning by the time I was done. When I rotated my hips, he cried out, "Fuck! Yes, Bella. I understand. I wouldn't say anything against going public anyway. I swear. Just don't tease me like that again. Please."
I giggled, "It got my point across, didn't it?"
He moaned, crashing our mouths together in a heated kiss. I moaned in return as he grabbed my ass, pulling me closer to him. I whimpered into the kiss when he slid his hands down my thighs, then slid one around to the front of my capris while the other went to the back, cupping my core completely from both angles. He rocked his hand against me purposefully. I moaned loudly as the kiss broke.
My head went to his shoulder as I whispered, "Shit, Edward. Your hands feel soo good."
He chuckled and took his hands away, flipping us over before walking away as he said, "How does it feel to be teased, Sweetheart?"
Alice dragged me toward the SUV, though Edward and Jasper were scolding her for not slowing down. She immediately stopped to put her hand to my tummy, "Sorry babies... Auntie Ali just wants to play in the sand. I'm sorry. I'll slow down so I don't jostle you around."
She turned back around, then made extremely exaggerated, slow movements... like she was running in slow-mo on a dvd. I laughed so hard I doubled over, while Alice looked at me innocently. "Ali, you goof. Your not on slow-mo in dvd world. We can walk at a normal human pace to the SUV. It's just right there. Now will you behave long enough for us to walk there?"
She looked at me with the most sickly sweet innocent face as she nodded. I laughed, walking toward the SUV, then dashed toward it as fast as I could, not looking back to see where she was. I was giggling when I got half way there and no one caught me. That was my mistake.
Not a second later, Ali twirled me up into her arms to kiss both my cheeks, giggling as she said, "Caught ya. Now you're it."
I laughed then breathed into her ear, "Does that mean I'm on top?"
She stopped giggling and twirling instantly, then slowly nodded as her eyes darkened. She breathed, "Damn, I want to kiss you right now."
I placed my head on her shoulder, breathing back, "I know, Sweetie. Me, too. I hate that we have to hide while we're in public. God, I can't wait until we're in Texas. I'm gonna make love to you by one of the lakes at the property. I don't care who sees. I'll kiss you up against a wall at the mall... I'll hold your hand in the grocery store... I'll ride your fingers in the middle of a damn club. I hate having to hide how I feel about you guys."
She whimpered softly, then set me down before staring at me. She looked like she'd cry, "What's wrong, Ali?"
She shook her head no, "You'd do all that with me... even though you have your mates?"
I nodded while smiling widely. "I'd do that with you and my mates with me. I'd do it with them right there to watch. I love this family, Ali. You and Edward were the first, but I feel like that with the whole family. The dynamic has changed, but my feelings have only grown stronger. I may not have always thought of making love to you, but I always felt close to you. Plus, you and Edward will always be special to Jasper and I. Never forget that, Sweetie."
She smiled, hugging me tight, so I kissed her temple, "I love you, Ali... please don't doubt that."
She nodded as the hug broke. Edward walked over, asking, "I thought you two were supposed to get the sandcastle tools. What happened?"
He was looking at us like he knew what happened. If Alice was thinking about it, he probably did. I smiled, "Oh, just girl talk. Thinking about going to a club when we get to Texas."
Alice giggled as Edward's eyes went wide. I nodded, then finished walking to the SUV. Edward and Alice caught up to me, then Edward breathed, "I'd definitely put up with all the thoughts in a club to be able to see that."
He kissed my temple as I laughed, then mumbled, "Yeah, I bet you would."
He laughed loudly, then we finally were able to get the tools out of the back.
Edward gave Alice a piggy-back ride on the way over to the others. I walked next to them, thinking about everything that's gone on lately. I thought about what Charlie said, what Billy said, how much it was tearing me up inside to hide our relationships with each other, the risk to everyone if it got out, the risk to everyone just being in my presence, as well as if everyone else would even want to go public.
I sat down in the sand. I tried to be productive with the monstrosity they wanted to build in a span of 30 minutes, but mostly I ended up just doodling in the sand as I thought.
Peter came up behind me at one point, asking if I was okay. I nodded, but he knew it was just for show. He could feel the turmoil inside me, so he whispered, "Walk with me, Little One."
I nodded, so he took my hand as we walked down the beach out of whisper hearing distance of the others. He hugged me to him, "What's wrong? And don't tell me that you're fine, Little One, because I can feel everythin' you do. Talk to me, please. I don't like seein' ya like this. Ya should never have to feel what I'm feelin' from ya."
He hugged me tighter as I tried to keep the tears from building. I choked out, "I can't handle not being able to touch one of them without always wondering if someone is watching or listening. I hate this secretive shit, Peter. I hate it. I wanted to kiss Ali so bad back there. She was practically in tears thinking I would never do anything with her in public... that I wouldn't kiss her or touch her in public because I had my mates. She asked me -with venom in her eyes- if I would really do that with her even though I had my mates. I can't even show her. I had to try to tell her. I can't tease Edward or kiss Emmett... hold Esme's hand, sit in Carlisle's lap, or wrap Rose in my arms. I can't do any of that right now. The worst part of it all, is that whether we let everyone know or not, the risk of them even being in my presence is the same as people knowing.”
I shook my head as I took a frustrated breath, then continued, “Then... would they even want to go public? Would Carlisle want to be seen kissing me in public? Would Esme? Charlie already knows, for Christ's sake. I don't know how, but he said when he hugged me congratulations that he would be there for me when I was ready to talk to him about it, that he loved me no matter what. It clicked when I was talking to Billy. He confirmed that they all know. It must have been one of the pack. That's the only thing I could think... unless Sam hasn't completely stopped phasing yet. With the battles and the danger, maybe he's still phasing? I don't know. I don't even know how to deal with all this right now. I just know that I can't keep tearing myself up inside, not being able to be with them when and how we want. You three are my mates, you always will be. This budding thing with the family... it's different, but still important in its own right. Does that make sense?"
He nodded, then kissed my neck. "I feel the same way ya do, Kitten. I've wanted to grab Edward to kiss him senseless so many times today... the look he gives me when he sees me lookin' at him... ungh... I don't like this anymore than ya do. This is your decision, though, Kitten. Ya need to talk to the family, to decide what you're willin' to do. Know that once ya've made your decision, ya have to stick with it. Jasper, Char, and I will do whatever will make ya happiest. We'll go with whatever decision ya decide to make. You matter most to us. Please remember that."
I nodded while clutching myself to him. Jasper came over a few minutes later to tell us that the wolves had just left the island, and they would be here soon. He smiled at me before turning to leave, but I whispered, "Jazz? Can I talk to you a minute?"
He came to me instantly, so I looked up at Peter. He nodded, then kissed me softly before he went to find Char. Jasper sat on the sand, so I straddled his lap, wrapping myself around him. "Jazz, I don't know what to do. Help me decide, please."
I laid my head on his shoulder, kissed his neck. "Talk to me, Darlin'. What's going on in that head of yours?"
I giggled, "That's what Edward used to ask."
He smiled as he kissed my temple. I took a minute, then softly said, "I don't like the hiding, Jazz. I hate it so much. Knowing that I can't touch them, kiss them, hold their hands, wrap myself around them or even nuzzle against them. It's tearing me apart inside. Charlie and the elders already know. I think either one of the wolves said something in conversation to an elder, or Sam's still phasing with the danger so close and the looming battle. But Charlie knows everything that's gone on, and Billy confirmed it. Charlie's words were that he'd be there for me when I was ready to talk about it, that he loved me no matter what. Then it clicked as I was talking to Billy, who confirmed it when I asked. Everyone is in a shit-ton of danger just being in my presence. Victoria already knows that Edward was special to me and Alice was my best friend. Every one of them stuck up for me with the James incident, right along with you. Is telling everyone really going to put them in a lot more danger? Or are they in as much danger as possible already, just being associated with me? Help me, Jasper, please. I don't know what to do."
He gently lifted my chin, kissed me, then said against my lips, "I personally don't think the danger would be much more than it already is, Darlin'. We have 6 shifter tribes that are going to be here right soon after we get back from seeing the shaman, a whole pack of wolves, plus 13 vampires, with more on the way. Then sometime before Halloween, another three tribes will be here, with who knows how many more vampires. On top of all of that, Darlin, you’ll be a vampire elemental goddess. If all of that can't keep everyone safe, I don't think anything will. I love you, My Mate, and I hate seeing you so torn up. I'll do whatever you need me to, but I think you should talk to the family. I'll spread the word quietly, to have them meet us at the cabin. You can talk to them to see how they feel. Once you know, you can make your decision... but it is yours to make, Darlin'. You need to do what you feel is best for you right now. You need to follow your instincts on this. You know the three of us won't leave your side for a second. I think once we find out how the others feel and you make your decision, you should talk to Charlie. He already knows according to what you said, but you talking to him about your decision will help make it final for you... no matter which way you decide."
I nodded while hugging him tighter to me, "It just hurts so much, Jazz. It's tearing me to pieces inside. I know this is all new, but I want to be able to be with them in public... not care what anyone thinks, or be afraid that someone's watching over my shoulder all the time. There's already so much happening... I don't want this to be a secret that drives us apart, instead of a love that brings us together like it's suppose to. I don't think I can be with them one way behind closed doors, then another way in public. It feels wrong, Jasper... all wrong. I think it has to be all or nothing. Either we can be with them fully, or we can't be with them at all."
He nuzzled deeply into my neck, "Does it sound bad that I hope for the all in that equation, Darlin'?"
I smiled as I shook my head, "Not at all. I'm hoping that, too. I don't want to give up what we're just now finding with them."
He kissed me slowly, deeply for a few minutes, then I felt Jake nuzzle my hand on Jasper's back, "Hey, Jake... Is everyone back?"
He nodded, then licked my hand and whimpered. "I'm okay now, Jake. I was having a hard time not being open about our relationships with the family. I just needed to talk it out with Jasper and Peter. Do you know if Sam is still shifting with all of the danger and battle stuff going on?"
He nodded, so I asked, "He is?"
He nodded again, then I asked, "Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't you tell me?"
He shook his head no with a whimper. "It was an elder order, wasn't it? They ordered everyone not to tell."
He nodded, so I patted his muzzle as I said, "It's okay, Jake. I don't blame you. I just wish I would have known. I wouldn't have been so blindsided today."
He looked at me quizzically. I shook my head in response, "I'll explain when we get back to the cabin. Jazz needs to go make rounds, so you can walk me to the Tahoe."
He nodded, then Jasper kissed me softly before pulling us both up to our feet. I brushed the sand off me, then wove my fingers in the hair at Jake's neck as we walked back to the Tahoe. I opened the doors, watching Jake wrangle his way in on his belly, then curl up in the most comfortable position he could find.
I leaned back against him with my hand on his muzzle, resting peacefully until everyone else started loading up. Jasper climbed in next to me, scratching Jake's ear before he settled back.
We were home in no time. Edward said aloud that he wanted to get a massage in for me before it got too late. I nodded, then told Eleazar that I would send the cooler back with Alice or Edward. He smiled before my mates and I made our way to the cabin.
When we got inside, we left the bedroom door open. I went in to wash the salt water feeling off of my face. I bent over, leaning on the counter as my wet hands covered my face.
After a minute of standing like that and thinking, I smelled Edward's sweet scent. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, so I leaned back against him as my hands slipped from my face to the counter.
He whispered as he nipped and kissed from my neck to my shoulder, "Christ, I severely disliked not being able to kiss you like this today. Every time your hair would flutter in the breeze, all I wanted to do was hold you and kiss you."
I nodded, "I know. That's what had me so upset today. When we were all in the hug after the last test, I really wanted to jump on all of you to kiss you senseless, but I couldn't. It killed me. It tore me up all afternoon. Finally Peter dragged me away, then we talked. I talked to Jasper, too. That's why we're waiting on everyone. I need to talk to everyone together. I have some decisions to make, but they need to be made quickly, before this hiding tears me to shreds and there's nothing left of me."
He nodded, sounding sad, "Have you made a final decision yet?"
I shook my head, "I need to talk to everyone first, to let them know what I found out today. I won't make a final decision until everything that needs to be said has been said."
He nodded, then ran his lips down my shoulder before turning me to him, continuing his path across my collarbone as my head fell back. I whispered, "I love the way your lips feel on my skin," as he flicked his tongue against the hollow of my throat.
"I can taste the sun and ocean on your skin, Sweetheart."
He nipped my collarbone, then Alice came in, nipping my other one. I moaned, "No fair ganging up."
They laughed, then I heard the others laugh out in the bedroom. Alice said softly after she kissed me, "Everyone's here."
I nodded, replying, "Let me finish washing my face. That was what I originally came in here to do. I'll be out in a second. You two go ahead."
They touched my cheeks, then went to join the others. I twisted my hair up in a messy bun, then washed my face with hot water. I dried it quickly before placing the towel on the counter.
I walked back into the room, but stopped cold at the look on everyone's faces. Carlisle whispered brokenly, "Are... you putting a stop... to the relationships... you've started to have with us? Is... Is that why you called us?"
I rushed to him, climbed into his lap, holding his chin and forcing him to look at me, "It killed me... tore me to shreds today... not to be able to touch and kiss you all like I wanted to. Do you think I would willing just give up without trying to find a way for the relationships to work? Carlisle, you know me better than that. I'm a fighter. Glass was millimeters from piercing an artery in my arm, yet instead of going to the hospital, it was pretty much 'Carlisle, stitch me up and I'll be good to go'. Does that sound like I'm a quitter?”
I shook my head, “All of this mess with Victoria... I could have rolled over at any time, placed a huge x on my neck to show her where to bite. I could have gone to Seattle myself, wandered around just waiting for her to find me... but I didn't. Instead, I'm building an army of vampires, shifters, and a goddess with still yet unknown powers, to take her head on and show her who she's fucking with. Does that sound like I'm a quitter? I love you, Carlisle... just like I love the rest of the family in this room. I will not give up on you or them without a fight. You and Esme mean just as much to me as Edward, Alice, Rose, and Emmett. Don't, for one iota of a second, think I'm giving up."
I let out a breath, kissed him softly, then I said in a softer tone, "I called you here to tell you all that I can't hide how I feel about you... any of you. Today tore me apart from the inside out. Not being able to kiss Alice when she had venom in her eyes, thinking I didn't want to touch her in public... not being able to jump into your arms when the test was complete to kiss you senseless... not being able to tease Edward... or hold Rose... or sit in Em's lap and nuzzle up to him... it practically broke me. I called you all here to see how you truly felt about our relationships going public. Do you want me and my mates to touch you in public? To kiss you, knowing you have a mate? I know for a fact I can't do the hiding thing anymore. I'm sorry, but I just can't.”
I took a breath, then said, “Charlie and the elders know already. When the test was over, I was hugging Charlie. His words to me were that he would be here for me when I was ready to talk about it, and that he loved me, no matter what. It didn't register what he was talking about, until I was talking to Billy. Then it clicked. Billy said he knew where Jake slept, that he was in wolf form except to eat. He knew the extent of my intimate life that Jake knew about. That's when it all fell into place. Jake has been in the room for everything. I asked him if Charlie knew what Jake has seen in the last 24 hours. That’s when he confirmed it.”
I looked at each before continuing, “He said the elders, pack and Charlie will not breathe our secret to anyone, nor are they upset. He said Charlie said something about how this might be the reason I was so close to all of you from the beginning. Just like I was the wolves. Even when every one of them knew I was dating a vampire, they couldn't stay away from me or shun me. Charlie thinks you all feeding from me is a necessity... which it kind of is. You don't thirst for blood. You are all full to capacity, so you don't even want it when you're near it. Since feeding from me is a kind of intimate bonding experience, Charlie was not surprised to find out that the intimacy went further than feeding. Those were Billy's words. My only two thoughts were that either a wolf had mentioned something to an elder as they spoke, or that with all the danger and battle crap going on, Sam didn't stop phasing completely. It was Sam... since he's an elder, he had to keep the others apprised of the happenings. I don't blame him, but I wish he would have told me he was still phasing."
I took another breath, stating, "My whole point to this is that I thought a lot about how it felt, not being able to be close to all of you today. I thought about the danger it would put you in if we were found out, the danger you are already in for just knowing me and being a part of James' death. Jasper and I both think that it wouldn't get much worse than it already is, danger wise, as Victoria knows I was close to all of you. If you all truly feel that you can be closer to us in public, then I need to know now. You know how I feel, along with what I can and can't handle. Now I need to know how all of you feel."
My voice got much softer on the last sentence, but Carlisle instantly crashed his lips to mine. He tightened his arms around me, up into my hair and holding my ass, moaning loudly while tangling his tongue with mine. He kissed me passionately, our tongues dancing dangerously, causing me to whimper in need.
As he broke the kiss, he breathed against my panting mouth, "Esme and I talked already. We both feel the same as you do... we don't like hiding. We want to be able to touch you freely... all of you. We love you all so much, and don't want to hide it from anyone. I want to be able to kiss you in the middle of Times Square while you're holding Esme's hand and sitting on Emmett's lap. We don't care who sees us, Bella... we want to love you all freely."
I cried out at the joy I felt, crushing myself to him before kissing him soundly. When the kiss broke, I scrambled over to straddle Esme, then whispered against her smiling lips, "Are you sure? Really sure? I can kiss you in the grocery store? Wrap my arms around you in the mall?"
She nodded as her smile got bigger. I moaned as I wove my fingers in her hair to press my lips to hers. Carlisle slid his hand against my thigh, causing Esme and I to both moan. As the kiss ended, I flicked my tongue playfully against hers, to which Carlisle whimpered. I whispered, "I love you both, so much."
She nodded as she hugged me, so I looked up to my mates. They were beaming, which made me smile brightly.
I looked to Rose and Emmett... then was sprawled across their laps before I even registered my own movement. Rose cradled my head like a baby's, bending her head to mine. She touched our foreheads while staring deeply at me. "Don't even ask. There's no need. We aren't going anywhere, unless it's out with any number of you on our arms. We love you, Bella. Yes, we want to go public. Both Em and I."
She kissed me softly, lovingly. Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes. She licked them away, then sat me up slowly. Emmett look at me, then licked a line from the valley of my chest to the hollow of my throat. I crawled on top of him, grabbed his hair, pulled back, then bit his Adam's apple. He growled playfully as I moaned.
I heard Alice giggle, "Well it looks like they made up."
I laughed, saying, "Yeah, I guess that's foreplay for Em and I, huh?"
Everyone chuckled at that as Emmett bit gently on my bottom lip. I licked his top teeth, causing him to whimper as he captured my lips. We kissed for a moment, then I panted, "Thank you both for staying. Thank you both for loving us enough to go public."
They nodded, smiling brightly, then I turned to look at Edward and Alice sitting at the edge of the bed. I moved to walk over to Alice, pushing her back on the bed before straddling her. I didn't wait for her to answer me, I just thrust my tongue in her mouth and kissed her heatedly.
When I needed air, she whimpered. I panted against her lips, "That is what I wanted to do to you earlier by the SUV. I swear to Christ, Ali. I will prove to you every day that I don't care who sees me, I want you. You know my mates are all for this, or we wouldn't be here right now. Yes, I have them, but what we have is different from what mates share. I won't give it up. I'm not giving you a choice like I did them. I know you want to go public. I saw it in your eyes earlier. I meant what I said about the club, too. We might just get kicked out for doing it, but I will ride your fingers in the middle of a packed club if you ask."
I heard everyone moan at that as Jasper grunted, "Fuck, that's hot."
I pecked her lips, then said, "Do you have anything to add?" as I quirked my eyebrow at her.
She whimpered in response, "I'm asking."
Edward growled playfully as he nipped my shoulder, so I pecked Ali's lips one more time before I threw Edward back onto the bed.
I actually pushed him hard enough for his eyes to go wide. I straddled him, nestled our clothed cores together, then said, "I'm not fucking giving you a choice either, Edward. You just told me you severely disliked... yeah, those were your words... severely disliked not being able to kiss and nip at me in public. You made your choice already. So help me God, if you say one thing against going public, I'll chain you with the cuffs and chains Emmett was in. It won't be pretty this time. I'll have Major go find a replica of his favorite flogger, then I'll play with Ali in front of you while Major takes the flogger to your sexy naked ass. Do you understand me, Edward?"
He was whimpering and moaning by the time I was done. When I rotated my hips, he cried out, "Fuck! Yes, Bella. I understand. I wouldn't say anything against going public anyway. I swear. Just don't tease me like that again. Please."
I giggled, "It got my point across, didn't it?"
He moaned, crashing our mouths together in a heated kiss. I moaned in return as he grabbed my ass, pulling me closer to him. I whimpered into the kiss when he slid his hands down my thighs, then slid one around to the front of my capris while the other went to the back, cupping my core completely from both angles. He rocked his hand against me purposefully. I moaned loudly as the kiss broke.
My head went to his shoulder as I whispered, "Shit, Edward. Your hands feel soo good."
He chuckled and took his hands away, flipping us over before walking away as he said, "How does it feel to be teased, Sweetheart?"